This War Of Mine 2

Checkmate

17 hours.

SAMANTHA
"WHAT? WHAT IS TIA? WHAT ARE YOU..-" wailed his mum.
"Aunty, he will be okay." I forced the words out of my mouth, biting my lower lip to stop trembling.
"Huh." She cried more.
I wouldn't blame her, absolutely not. I am holding my tears, holding it for the past 32 hours, hoping and praying that that last minute is not to come.
Sapan had worsened further. He can hardly say a word, is really pale. His skin is sunken and his bones are visible underneath, his lips are black almost.
Fighting my tears watching him this way, is really hard. I can't look at him this way, I want to be there for him, but I am not strong enough. Not emotionally and mentally strong enough to bear pain. This is shattering me. I need him with me. I need him. I cannot lose him. I feel horrible that I can't help him stay strong, though even now, even now he is putting up a brave face and a smile and telling me it'll be fine. Why can't I be as strong as him? Why am I so fragile?
Is this fragility, is what he loved? Is this lack of will is what he loved? Is this fear, is what he wanted for the rest of his life?
Apparently.

SAPAN
My fear is losing her. Not death, not oblivion, not bloodshed. Losing her. Losing myself leading to losing her. The very thought of it is severing my brain.
~
I have TIA, and they say, actually I overheard that uh, I might hit the bucket. I,.. I just, I can't even cry that I am going away, I can't perceive thoughts of losing her, I can't help but miss us.
I can't talk much, or write. My ideas of death in peace, and the note I'd written the past month actually come in handy now. Some Yoga or Illuminati I don't know, but I wanted to write a death note, actually not a death note, sort of a sorry/thank you/love you/miss you note. That is actually kept in the living room and I know she'll find it when she, she clears it.
I also hid another note, just for her, somewhere only she can find. It isn't any sorry note or anything, just a note of my emotions rather. I didn't write it because of the conception of death, because I always wanted her to know I love her beyond anything in this world.
Always.
~
The time was 8:32 and they got some bland, yucky porridge along with my tablets.
The porridge, warm, burned my wind pipe as it went down and my stomach churned as the taste came back again on my palate.
Oh crap.
There was no one in the room, Samantha was outside talking to my parents, I knocked the drip lines out and she came in rushing, her eyes worried.
"Sapan, Sapan what happened?" She rubbed my chest as profound, pressurized coughs came up.
Shit.
The porridge came out in a slur, my puke all over the bed.
Samantha's eyes widened as she started trembling. She called for Roshan as they both pulled me out slowly.
She took me to the restroom in the ward, and washed my "sack"(that's what she calls it) outwardly, her nose twitching and her eyes holding tears.
I felt embarrassed and useless. I just vomited, I made her wash it, I am standing here watching her cry, my limbs almost numb, that I can't move them to embrace her and tell her I am sorry.
Useless is what I am.
Don't I deserve to die?

SAMANTHA
Now this. I cannot take this anymore.
I don't care about cleaning up his puke, it's all the infliction. He isn't liking food. He is worsening.
This is unbearable.
I made him lay down on the newly made bed.
"So.., rr..--"
"Sapan it's okay. I have no problem. I'll do anything, anything to help you ease."
Yes I'd do anything, even if it's losing myself for him.
Come vial.
If it means staying with him even in his sickness and health then yes.
I drink to thee.

SAPAN
I didn't want to talk to much, I wanted to take her with me and get lost to nowhere. I didn't want to see anybody else except her. I didn't want anybody else except her. I am controlling myself, so I can, with great difficulty, pop the question once. Just ONCE.
I decided 6 again, because 6'o clock is when I want to do it. And I know or atleast hope that I will survive till then.
Yes I know I sound like a miserable desperado.
Yes.
I am.
I am a miserable desperado madly in love with a woman named Samantha who drives me insane.
It was going to be only 5 words.
Simple.
(Not really)
I am counting bittersweet hours now, I guess.