This War Of Mine 2

Circles

One week like this, and I was on internship, a year of internship.

~
LEO
"Don't move out. Please" She gripped my hand, her eyes gleaming with pensiveness.
Why?
"I won't. Okay?"
She nodded in approval and this time around, the spirits were on high notes.
~
"Can we go for a walk?"

SAMANTHA
His hand was laced with mine, and my hair swept my face.
I'd cut it short, not a pixie but yeah.
For a minute, I was brimming with so many profound thoughts.
Is it that, when two people are committed to each other, after a period of friendship, things suddenly change?
Like, the way he looks at me now, it's disturbing. The way he is so possessive, passively aggressive, yet sustains a rule that he can go out with as many girls he wants as "friends" but I am supposed to not bitch about it but be a dog leashed taut to a post.
I don't deny the fact that I do enjoy it sometimes, but it is like, I am being possessed by him every minute. Just not the way I see this working out.
On the other hand, I remember, a few months back, this same place, I was watching the sun set and the leaves wither, the transformation, rather a conflicting beauty in it.
He was there, Leo was there, I was there.
Even now, they both are.
But am I?
~
Looking back, after what feels like so long, I do think I've made the wrong choice presently.
I think we need pros and cons, girls.
Pros and Cons of being with Leo.
Pros are relatively restricted, if I have to be honest. I mean, like, yes he does make me happy sometimes, but it's not that profound happiness, that makes you channel yourself into a world only with himself and you. I still can't shake off the cacophony, can't shake off the feeling that I'm still missing something major in my life. There isn't bickering, but there is autocracy. Autocracy from him, like he's put me in purgatory, and I am under him. Sometimes, it's his passive-aggression, that disallows or rather leaves me dumbfounded because whatever I come up with, he meets it with a totally irrelevant retort, but only that he has his voice raised so it sounds a bit sensible.
Cons, oh, I just said it.
Let's just say, 1:5.

Pros and Cons 'when' with Sapan.
You might wonder why I'm analyzing Leo and Sapan. Sapan, he was my first, my everything and I cross my heart when I say this, it's tough to let go. It's tough to immediately revert back to "how we were" compared to now because that's how humans are! Especially, considering the fact that he always made me feel on cloud nine!  It is unfortunate for us, that it ended in that way, but sitting and thinking about it, instead of brooding over it, actually helped me.
He didn't leave me, he never would've, I know he never would've. I'd blame it on both of us. I blame myself, for letting him go, without actually telling me what he had in hand. His carelessness, perhaps, the energy he had, made thinks go gaga. It was fatal, but it couldn't be stopped, because if it were, he would still be here with me.
I haven't given up on him. Maybe there won't be another him, but there will definitely be one, who is destined to make me happier.
Call me selfish, but this is what he wanted me to do. Hunt for my happiness, be independent, because I know that he loves me being challenged in life. This is just one of his trivial situations.
~
"What the hell?"
"I don't want this."
"You can't do this now?!"
"Hell, I can. What you own me?"
"No, but, why?"
"I am a bit uncomfortable with how this is going."
"The way I treat you? "
"YES! Like horrible purgatory!"
"Purgatory? Woah."
"YES."
"Go die. You, You deserve to suffer till you rot to death!"
 ~
When people are angry, they tend to say things that hurt the other. But, yes there is a limit to the outbreak isn't there?
His words do hurt me, for it was anger merely from his realization that this won't work out.
Just another chapter in my life, and--what next?