Across From Me

Eleven

Clementine was laying on her bed, phone in her hands, and soft piano music playing through the headphones on her ears. But she wasn't hearing any of it. Her mind was wandering. She thought about the conversation with Beth, over and over the conversation played out in her head. Beth's voice speaks the same words over and over.

Now, will you stop doubting me?

Clem wasn't sure she could. She desperately wanted so. She wanted to trust Beth so badly, to be able to know that she would not ever hurt Clementine. But Clementine had thought the same things with Adrianne, and with all of her other friends who she thought she could once trust. She ended up being wrong. It was the worst feeling in the world to be wrong about them.

But what could she have possibly done about it? There wasn't a single thing she could have done to change their minds. And it wasn't like it was her fault a person she had a great admiration for started spreading a false rumor about Clementine being gay.

And most of all, what was with these people? There were plenty of people in the school who were out, who were dating the same gender, and being who they wanted. And yet Clementine was the target out of all of them. She shouldn't have been. There shouldn't have been a target at all. There was no point in any of that.

Was it because she was 'popular'? Or smart? Or pretty? Like all the things they once called her, they turned it on her in a split second. Being complimented to being ridiculed. And for what reason? What was the point? Was it fun? Was it to be acknowledged that you were making fun of that girl who was supposedly gay? Something they didn't even know was true or not? What was the point of any of it?

She might have been trying to prove a point, Clementine would think. Because the second Clementine had stepped outside of the boundary line that Anne had set up, there became an awkward tension whenever the two would be alone. And being alone, Clem was the only one out of the two of them who wanted to become closer friends. Clem didn't like her romantically in the slightest. She deeply admired Anne, but she never liked her.

Even lost in thought about Anne, and her feelings on the subject, her thoughts always ended up drifting to Elizabeth. And what this whole situation would mean for the two of them. Why did Clementine have to be punished for having a friend? And more so, Beth, who hadn't done anything wrong.

Clementine was afraid, that was the truth. She didn't want to drag down Beth with her, but in a more selfish part of her, one she felt particularly ashamed of, she didn't want to be seen with Beth because she didn't want more rumors to spread. But knowing Beth, she would probably understand her point of view anyway. Because Beth was a better person than her. Braver and smarter than her, by miles and miles.

And it was those thoughts that drove Clementine to think about her own flaws. Thinking and thinking about all the things that made her undesirable. All the things she did to turn her friends against her. To make people dislike her. To make her family no longer want to be around her. To make herself afraid. Why would she think like that? Well, a lot of things started when she lost her friends. But Clementine had a hunch these thoughts had been around for a long time, just more subtle than the average thought would come out.

It was the frown in the mirror when Clementine looked into it. An odd feeling of discomfort when she saw the way her body fit into a shirt. It was the feeling of not wanting to go out in public on an acne day, for fear of having someone notice the red on her face. So she hid it under a thick layer of foundation and a blanket of shame.

But as much as these thoughts consumed her. Controlled parts of her day one by one. She never let it interfere with her actual life. Never let the whispers of insecurity tear down what she has worked so hard for in school. And the new friend she was starting to finally get after months of sitting alone and missing out on fun school days for fear of being seen alone.

She didn't want any of it to interfere with the life she was crafting for herself. She may have fallen down, or have been hurt by people she once called friends. But she would no longer sit and wait for the day to shine on her once more. Once she started to actually act on what she wanted, waking up in the morning became much more bearable.

But Clementine wasn't going to do everything she wanted immediately, it would take some effort, building some confidence. But in the end, the progress, the hard work, and all of the hours of Clementine's mind running would become worth it when she would no longer have to worry about the opinions of others. However that will take a while, but Clementine was okay with that.

Even as Clementine pondered all of this, distantly she wondered about tomorrow, what a new day would bring. What she and Beth would do if they even saw each other. And as those thoughts started to wander into her head, she looked out her window, which was partially covered by curtains. Outside was a black night, the full moon was gone from the sky, and the new moon taking place. Stars long faded from the sky as the years went by. Too much light, too much pollution.

In the distant vacuum of space that Clementine stared at, there were things she couldn't begin to comprehend occurring. Things she got more and more fascinated by, the more she tried to understand. But in the grand scheme of things you can't understand what means so little in the end. One day they will be giving back to the earth, decomposing. 

And in the end, Beth and Clementine would be grains of sand on a vast beach on a vast planet. They would be washed away to the waves, forgotten.

Clementine didn't feel insignificant, nor did she feel lucky. She felt okay, she was fine with that idea. Because when it all came down to it, she was trying to understand, to dissect something that would give her joy. 

She looked to Beth's window, knowing Beth was inside. Sleeping, or like her, staying up late. Clem hoped that Beth was sleeping. Just because she wasn't doesn't mean she hoped Beth was too. Which was strange because Beth was probably one of the few people in her life she hoped took care of herself. Maybe it's because she doubted her own ability to take care of herself.

She wanted to talk to Beth, to walk to school with her, to spend lunch with her, to text each other every other day, to ask her how her day was. Clementine hoped that with time, she would be able to foster this newfound bond she had created with Elizabeth.

She hoped they would be able to be friends for a very long time.