Across From Me

Thirty Five

Clementine knew Beth was acting weird when she saw her. She just couldn't figure out why.

Admittedly, Beth had plenty of reasons to be acting weird lately. While Clementine wasn't aware of the full story, people still talked, and Clementine knew that Beth had to deal with a drug addict sister at home. But Clementine couldn't shake the feeling it was for a completely different reason. That made Clementine tense.

Keeping distance away from Beth was hard, and although she was allowed back into her life, she has kept an arm's length away. Short conversations still proved that Beth was still struggling internally. Clementine blamed herself for everything. Because if she hadn't been as selfish as she had been, would they be here in this situation? Would she have been able to help Beth during the worst weeks of her life? Clementine couldn't go back and change it, but she sure wished she could.

But even at arm's length, she still wanted to feel like she made a difference to Beth. That a subtle presence of support might be able to motivate her for one more day, one more week. If that's all Clementine could give, she would give it.

So when Beth accepted her offer to walk with her in the evenings, Clementine was happy to spend more time with her. Maybe Beth agreed because it would get her out of her stuffy house, maybe she did want to spend time with Clementine. Either way, their walks were spent in relative silence. Beth had nothing to say and neither did Clementine. At first, it put her on edge, but Beth was never known as the talkative type. Especially with Beth's eyes heavy with tiredness, Clementine didn't want to pressure her into social interaction at the moment.

But it became calming, a time of day where neither of them had to worry about speaking or doing anything, just enjoying the environment around them. Sometimes they would take detours, onto the dirt roads, and sometimes the dirt would get loose and the two of them would hold onto each other for balance. Beth's touch made Clementine's skin tingle. Clementine ignored it.

There was always a certain fondness in Beth's eyes that Clementine had noticed when she looked at her. Even after their fight, there never seemed to be a hint of hatred in her eyes, maybe anger or sadness, but not hatred. Beth never seemed to grip at Clementine's sleeve, but held onto her with gentle hands. Beth never had an ounce of fight in her, no matter how tall or intimidating she was, she was kind, loving, and did not have a bone in her body to desire a fight. Beth didn't deserve any of the shit she was going through, that's what made this situation so much worse.

Because Clementine knew deep down she contributed to that hurt, to that pain Beth was going through and would have to deal with. Even though she would be there for Beth as much as she would allow, Beth's healing would be on her own for the most part.

The hardest part about it all was knowing that when the school day ended, Beth had to go back to her house. A confined, angry space, with people who had little to no patience left for each other. Clementine offered once to let Beth stay at her house, but Beth almost immediately rejected the offer. She gave no explanation, and Clementine didn't need one.

She had to stay an arm's length away from her, even though that was highly difficult to do.

The times when they would sit in silence with one another, as neither of them had much to say these days, their legs would be pushed up against one another. They never acknowledged it, and Clementine tried not to think about it. The truth was, Clementine was desperate for touch. Her mother was not generous with hugs, and her siblings would never interact with her in a way that wasn't hitting or arguing. Back when she and Beth were close, each other's only friends in a sea of people who hated them, it was easy to lean on each other. Now it felt like there was a wall between them.

Clementine so badly wanted to be able to imagine a future where all this shit ends up meaning nothing. That she would look back on this time, on these memories, and be able to be glad of the progress she had made. That one day, she and Beth can reminisce about their fight, and their past struggles, and be able to smile about it. That one day, she and Beth could hold hands in public and not have to worry about it anymore.