Across From Me

Twenty One

Elizabeth had found Clementine sitting at a table with her head buried in her arms.

Beth approached her slowly, as a way to try and not startle her, but it didn't work, as Clementine's head shot up. Clem seemed to relax a little upon seeing Beth, but there was still an aura of tenseness. For the first time in a while, Beth felt herself feeling helpless. She didn't know what to do to make the situation better. Even Beth was bothered by this. She didn't want to show it. She didn't want Clementine to panic.

But even as she sat down next to Clementine, and her face molded into one of worry and exhaustion, she couldn't help but feel the same way. All Beth's life she tried to avoid people that made her feel small, and here she was, fighting with people who made her feel like nothing. And she was sure Clementine was feeling the same way right about now.

"I'm sorry, Beth," Clementine started weakly. Her expression strangely reminded Beth of Violet, the way her eyebrows creased and her lips turned down into a frown.

It was when Violet would be sitting at the dinner table on a late-night, trying to understand a math problem with their father at the table. Beth would watch this cycle every night. The two of them sit down, trying to get Violet's homework done with little success. In the end, their father would be so frustrated and Violet would be broken down to the tiniest parts. Their father would ask the same question over and over, his voice getting angrier and angrier, and Violet would weakly reply. The answer was almost always wrong, and their father would ask again. This went on until Violet was in tears, and they gave up.

Beth realized it was because both of them kept going through the same cycle of pain because of the cruelty of others around them. Violet wasn't so smart, and she knew that. The way she tried and tried to understand simple math concepts despite being told time and time again that she would never get it. The simple version was that Violet just learned differently than others, but that never made her stupid.

Clementine wasn't stupid either. Trusting others, trying to make friends, and getting on with her life was not a problem. The problem was others trying to stop them from being normal people, taking away the right for the two of them to be friends.

"No," Beth replied, "You shouldn't be sorry. This isn't your fault," she tried to get across, but the doubtful look on Clementine's face made Beth realize that this probably went deeper than the rumors just a few months ago.

Clementine was always blaming herself, and she did once more, "But if I didn't become your friend then we wouldn't be here, and you wouldn't have had your own experiences told to everyone. If we hadn't become friends..." Her voice trailed off, but Beth could tell she wanted to finish it, everything would be so much easier.

Clementine buried her head into her arms again, hiding her face. Beth sat still for a few moments, unsure of what she should say. She moved closer to Clementine, brushing her arm against Clem's. Beth lay her head down, and she kept her eyes on Clementine's oddly still form.

Beth sighed, her vision focusing on Clementine's nails, which had been chewed down to the raw skin. Beth let her finger trace patterns on Clementine's arm, which raised with goosebumps a few times, and Beth said softly, "Sometimes, we wish we could change things about the past, about our decisions, that we know we don't really mean. Because it would be easier to run away, than face what is waiting for us."

Clementine stayed still, not saying anything back. Beth wondered if she was even listening, but she continued, "But I'm not afraid when I'm with you. So I'm willing to go ahead if you will," Beth rested her hand on Clem's. Clem held Beth's.

Clem raised her head from her arms, her eyes were red and her face was splotchy and wet. She looked so upset, and Beth's heart clenched, "Why are people so awful, Beth?" Clem asked, and Beth shrugged her shoulders because truthfully, she didn't know what to tell Clem to make her feel better.