Across From Me

Twenty Nine

Clementine was struggling.

In truth, she didn't know why she was being the way she was. Maybe it was the inane feeling to drive everyone away from her. Maybe it was because she desperately wanted to be left alone, left to wallow in her struggles. Clementine just wanted to be consumed by the past she tried so hard to fight against.

In the end, she proved to be exactly who everyone said she was. She was a liar, she was cruel, as Ezekiel said she was. Her mother told her she was lazy, and Clementine couldn't even muster enough energy, enough courage to text Elizabeth. She was a coward. She was weak. In the end, everyone was right about her. For so long she tried desperately to prove to people she wasn't going to be a failure like everyone was expecting her to be. In her efforts, she ended up proving them right.

Clementine loved Beth, but she hated herself too. She hated herself so much that she believed that Beth was better off without her dragging her down. Although she deeply regretted her actions and the words she said, there was always a nagging voice in the back of her head that told her this was the best path for Elizabeth. That Beth would be better off without her, without the drama and the rumors following her everywhere she went. Clementine believed what in reality, she was just trying to convince herself of.

But even though she believed that she would spend hours that night hovering over her phone, hands shaking over the call button. But as all things would come to, she backed out. She convinced herself the right move was to leave her alone.

Clementine would admit to not being the most observant, but she noticed Beth's deterioration in appearance, much-mirroring Clementines in the past few weeks. They no longer sat together, but Clementine could see the fatigue in her eyes. So much so that she got scolded by the teacher for supposedly sleeping in class. Clementine could tell she wasn't, she just didn't want to be there, so she hid in her arms.

Clementine continued with her life. Deciding not to look back on the things she lost. She didn't want to dwell on things, how awful Beth looked in the coming days, how hard it was to focus in class, how getting up in the morning was starting to become a chore. All Clementine wanted was for it to be like a place in time she remembered happening. She wanted the allusion that happy memories produced, the bliss and relaxation that they always have. She wanted to forever live in the comfort of a happy memory. To be free of pain.

Even though she wished for that to happen, and dreamed of better days, it only seemed to get worse. Adrianne appeared in her life more and more, being the stuck-up ass kissing bitch she was. If that wasn't bad enough, everyone loved her and praised her for doing nothing. They all acted like she was a saint when in reality, she was the person who ruined her reputation, hurt her, and betrayed her.

Seeing her almost every day hurt more than she would expect. But above all, she was angry about everything.

Anger that built over years and years of people making her look like a fool. Years of trying to prove to everyone that she was worthy of their time. There was anger that reared its head in really ugly ways. It didn't matter, because most of all, she was tired. She was tired, and because she was tired, she just stopped. She was done trying to prove herself to people or trying to blend into the crowd.

If people hated her, so be it. She hated herself anyway.

It felt free to forget about judgment. Every day she came to school simply as herself, forgetting about everything else. Even though it still hurt to see familiar faces such as Celine, Beth, and Adrianne, it felt better to just be the person she was.

Clementine no longer felt like she was lying anymore. Still tired and angry, but no longer a fraud. She wasn't afraid anymore, wasn't fearful when she would speak to people, and offer them help. While the rumors died down, it didn't make people forget who she was, and often she got some colorfully rude comments from people. But it didn't hurt as she expected it to, and even more surprisingly, she would smile and laugh at those people who would try.