Across From Me

Thirty Two

Elizabeth's family had never been functional.

Her memories of her father were few and far between. The memories she had were filled with fear and loathing. Her father had always been especially hard on Charlie, constantly telling him he could be a better man, or which things he could excel at. Yet Violet faded into the background except for the rare times Violet and their father would have a spat. Elizabeth learned from a young age to keep her head down, to not attract attention. Beth's parents were critical people and had far too high of standards for their children compared to the people they were.

As all things ended with her family, her mother and father's divorce had gone down in flames and fighting. After a nasty divorce, Beth's father moved far away, and she hadn't spoken so much as a word to him in years. Not that she was complaining, she rather not remember him or think about him much. Not many happy things to think about, anyway.

Yet it always seemed as though his leaving affected Violet and Charlie so much more than it had her. Maybe it was their long time with him compared to Beth. Perhaps they had seen another side to him that Beth never got to see. Beth never quite understood it, and she had felt guilty about it for a long time. Beth kept that to herself, of course.

It was a part of her she had never shared with anyone. She was glad she hadn't. Her family was always a sore subject for her because she loved them with all of her heart and also hated them at the same time. She loathed the fact her mother never paid attention to her, and never praised her for any hard work she put into school. She hated that her father left the rest of her family. She was angry that Charlie made her feel stupid at times, and Violet made her feel small and insignificant. In general, she was pissed off, and it only kept building and building as time went on.

It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair she was abandoned by all those close to her, even a person she perceived as her friend left her behind. Beth didn't understand. She didn't know why she wasn't good enough for any of them. Why wasn't she good enough for her mom? Why wasn't she good enough for her sister? Why wasn't she good enough for Clementine?

She wasn't strong enough or smart enough to save Violet from her own self-created demise. She watched it happen slowly, but at the same time, it happened too rapidly. Beth was astounded when she came home one day to her mother screaming at Violet, getting in her face and pushing her around. Beth froze her hands at her sides. Her backpack felt much heavier on her back. It took her a while to find out that Violet was using much heavier than Beth could have ever expected.

Their mother blamed Violet's 'delinquent' friends. But as far as Beth was concerned, Violet dug her grave long before her friends got involved. Violet was sweet and long, playful and kind, but she was chained to her own desires. And when Violet all but experienced a brief moment of bliss in her miserable life, she found her new meaning. Violet chose drugs over everything else in her life. Violet chose drugs over Beth.

Maybe that's what worsened the feeling of despair and inadequacy. Because over everything else, that's what Violet was going to choose each time. Happy and loving Violet turned into someone Beth didn't recognize. Constantly locked in her room, or otherwise in a screaming match with their mother. Four weeks, in the grand scheme of things, was not a long time. But for Beth, it felt like an eternity.

Her house, her room was utterly stifling. The more her mother tried to control Violet, the worse it turned out for Violet. She constantly fought against her mother's rules, and the more they pushed against each other for power, the more Violet used. Beth's house felt darker now like a cloud was constantly hanging over it. But Beth didn't have the energy to leave her room or house. She barely had enough motivation in the morning to get dressed. Leaving for school was torture, not that there was no one there to cheer her up.