Across From Me

Eighteen

Elizabeth looked very tired, from what Clementine saw. Her eyes were lined with deep dark circles. Her expression wasn't very pleasant either. In the light of the moon, the shadows on her face emphasized how unwell she looked.

Maybe Clementine hadn't noticed it before, but Elizabeth just looked stressed and out of it. And it looked like it had been that way for days or even weeks. Elizabeth had wrapped herself in a blanket, and it hung around her shoulder like a cape. Her hair hung around her face. The few times Clementine had seen Beth with her hair down, she always thought she looked pretty, and even now she did. In her hand was her cell phone.

Clementine had to bite the bullet already and acknowledge what had happened today. But that was something that was scary for no good reason. Beth had already proven herself as a good friend. Even then, she was afraid of judgment and cruelty from her friend.

But Beth softened, sighing and crossing her arms. She just seemed to droop like she hadn't slept in days. Clementine wanted to help her, more than she wanted to help herself. Beth just looked so relieved. It hit Clementine right there and then she must have worried Beth a whole hell of a lot to make her look as annoyed and tired as that. But Beth also seemed just entirely grateful that Clementine even answered her.

"I'm sorry for not answering you. I- um...had a lot on my mind," Clementine muttered weakly. She didn't really have the strength to want to look at her eyes, but she did anyway. She couldn't look away once she did.

Beth's eyes were so gentle and caring if a bit annoyed. From where she was standing, Clementine couldn't see the few freckles across Beth's face, or how there was a slight gap in Beth's front teeth, the acne scars, or the uneven eyebrows. But all of that was unabashedly Beth and she loved all of it.

She wanted a hug so badly.

But from where she was standing, separated by a window and a gap, there would be no hugs.

"You really worried me," Beth replied. Her voice wasn't critical or angry, just tired.

"I'm sorry."

There was a long silence. Clementine focused on her hands. She never thought they were particularly pretty, she didn't have long fingers or perfect nails. Her hands were short, her fingers were thick. Beth had nice hands, they looked perfect for playing the piano.

"You shouldn't be mad at yourself," Elizabeth told her. Clementine knew that Beth was right, but she was angry anyways. She felt as though she could have prevented this. Clementine said nothing, not because she didn't want to reply, but just because she didn't know what to say. The conversation wasn't tense but hung with the heavy air of exhaustion and sadness.

Clementine almost laughed, mocking herself more than anything, "Yeah well it feels like I did a damn good job of messing everything up," Clementine said, "Like I always do..."

Beth looked confused, "Mess what up?"

"Everything. I can't seem to do anything right. I can't make people like me and I can't be a good friend to you and I can't be the best student and I can't be the best sister or daughter. I mess everything up and I can't do anything about it."

Beth leaned against the side of the window, allowing her cheek to press against it. Her eyes drifted across the night sky, a dazed look on her face as she thought. Clementine stood there, waiting for her to say something, anything to make it less tense or nerve-wracking for Clementine.

"It's not your fault that people can be nasty sometimes. It's not your fault you get tired. All of us mess up, and this time it is not your fault," Beth told her. Clementine could not help her doubt that boiled to the surface of that. It wasn't her fault that people hated her, but hate does not come from anywhere. So what was it? What could she have possibly done?