Welcome to the Family

45

This chapter has content of mental health, suicidal ideation, and mentions of drugs and violence. Proceed with caution.

Also, thank you for all your kind words. My cousin Maddy is doing much better. She's out of the ICU and back home, although still battling COVID. Thank you 🧡

***

I curled up at the hollow tree, where my sister was placed after she was murdered. Her body might not be here anymore but I had to tidy it up. She had been here for years and ... I didn't know where her body was now. "I miss you, Mickey," I whispered, clearing the caution tape from the tree. "I wish you were here."

I tidied the area, picking some of the daisies and placing them on the dewy ground. I pulled weeds and threw them farther away until it was cleared. I couldn't help the tears that streamed down my face, because deep down not even being drunk and high could make me forget my sister.

"I would trade places with you. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat," I murmured, wiping my cheek with the back of my sweater sleeve. Useless, because I'm soaked, the small drizzle turned into a downpour. I didn't care, I wanted to feel closer to Micaela. "I miss you. I want you here, with me."

I broke into sobs, unable to stop them. So much about forgetting.

"I'm sorry, Mickey," I blubbered, sniffling, "I'm sorry. I want to be with you ... wherever you are. Things are just so fucking messed up ... I'm tired, Mickey. I'm so tired."

There was a snap somewhere in the woods and my heart stopped. It's just a animal, I thought, hoped. I waited for a minute, sitting in absolute silence, but nothing else happened. I chuckled, pulling my hands down my face. "Do you remember when Lucas Breyer broke your heart in seventh grade? You had a collection of notes from him, and you brought them out here to burn them?"

More tears flowed down my cheek, the memory so long ago. "You put all his things in a pile, a shirt, a teddy bear he gave you, and lit it on fire. We almost had a forest fire but Jaime came, noticing the smoke and ordered Ashton to get buckets of water from the garden hose. He yelled at you," I said, chuckling, remembering how upset he had been. "But he was just masking his worry with anger ... he's doing okay, y'know. Jaime. He's married. I never really thought he'd get married, but him and Eden really make a good power couple."

"Cameron and Sebastian are good ... Cam misses you so much. He thinks it's his fault, what happened to you, it's not ... and he's scared. If you thought he was overprotective before, he's ten times that now. You and him would argue so much, I can see it now," I chuckled, imagining my sibling bickering over the stupidest things. "Kinda like Ash and I do. You and Cameron were close, like twins. He's do anything to have you here ... and I was wrong. You'd tell me that, I think. That I was wrong, in thinking they didn't care. They care so much ... and they shouldn't."

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "What do you think of me now, Micaela?" I asked, looking up at the sky through the trees and clouds. "Would you be proud? Would you be sad? Would you be disgusted? I am. I've made so many people hurt ... just like he did. I'm just like him, aren't I? In a way. How could I be so violent when I grew up in violence? I know you'd argue with me, that I had to to stay alive, to survive, but I did a lot of bad things. I think I can ever forgive myself for that, for being a monster."

I choked on another sob. "Jesus, look at me. Talking to air, to nothing," I mumbled but part of me hoped my sister was somehow listening. "I love you Micaela. I love you and I miss you and fuck, I hope you're at peace now."

I fell back against the tree, closing my eyes, willing myself to stop crying. I wish I had another joint or pill, something to wash the darkness down as it began consume me, little by little.