A Family Affair

thirty six // fast forward

Having eyes on me at all times has always been one of the things I really hated about my life. Every little and big thing, even the normal things that I do, it's on record and a mistake that any other person can make, if I make them it becomes local news and would most likely impact me in every way. My life is on display, like a circus animal given no choice. As much as I try to be out of the spotlight and try to be as normal as I can, people notice me, my family posts me, it follows me whether I decide to leave it behind.

"What a sweet sweet boy" I snuggle my finger onto his tiny little hands, watching him wrap them around made me smile, my heart warm and soft.

Grandma Dub once said, Loving is easy but what's hard is truly meaning it. I've been home for about a month, rethinking everything about my life as I try my hardest not to fall into depression. I am torn between what I want and what I need, I am more than satisfied with what I have but the biggest factors that won't leave me alone is that I can't choose. I love Devin with so much of me but the other part has Hero. In this time I ask for space, for peace, for a chance to myself, not of confusion but to reflect on my own self. Maybe I'm not 100% certain just yet. I'm working on myself.

"Masai Kardashian Williams" Lovey reads allowed his name, everyone smiles at the sound of his tiny little yawn

"Maceo you're a big brother" dad picks up who was his youngest for what seemed like forever and hovered him over Masai, the newest addition to our family and the cutest of the bunch so far.

Being around family is what I needed, being away from the cameras was fun but there never really is such a thing called taking a break when you've been brought into the world of fame, my name was written down. I was kept away for as best as they can from the incident when I was 7 but eventually we get older and we can only do so much

"Have you talked to Devin yet?"

"Everyday" I took a deep breath in and inhaled that baby smell, it only lasts so long. Look at my siblings now, the baby smell is gone, replaced by the brutal truth and my attitude. It's like talking to my younger self.

"So what did the therapist say?" She questioned, referring to the one that I went to, to help recollect my memory. I think it's crucial and very important that I find out who and what and when, blacking out on almost nearly occasion is all fun and games until you can't remember who you last fucked. Your ex or the guy you're dating but not in a relationship with?

I dipped my feet onto the heated pool and glanced up "Well for starters, Devin would've been the father if it came out positive. Second, I love them both in ways that- when I'm with Hero it's casual, spending time while I was at Oxford, we became best friends at an instant and the therapist says that he could be my soulmate to the point where that's just going to be that and Devin- it's deep mom."

"So you're not really torn, you love them but on different levels and that's okay- to have two soulmates at once. Hero doesn't expect and neither do you and you guys are still two mature people who have love for each other in a best friend way and I think that's perfectly fine. As for Devin, baby, it's always going to be him for you and you for him. I could've told you that- anyone could've told you that. He is the most understanding and loving man that you have ever dated and I think you should tell him about the scare, I think he has a right to know about it. You guys broke up, dated other people but still knew that deep down you guys are end game. Sage it's okay to be confused sometimes, we're human beings, there was never a wrong in the situation. You love Devin but you have needs that were impossible to be met from thousands and thousands of miles away and baby he did too, he tells me everything"

I don't actually know what I'm supposed to do with the last bit of information and to he honest it bothers me, a lot, coming from my own mother's mouth... It shouldn't but it just did.