It always ends

five

Harper

He leaned in and I wanted nothing more than for him to kiss me.

But as my lips brushed against his, the timer went off. I cleared my throat and pulled away from him.

What is going on with me.

My heartbeat quickened and I could basically hear it drumming in my ears.

It's all too close, maybe too soon.

I couldn't tell if he was disappointed or relived that we had been interrupted so I brushed it off and got off the counter.

I avoided his gaze and went over to the oven. I put on the oven mittens and carefully took out the trays of cookies.

I set them on the counter and the silence in the room was deafening.

I could feel his eyes on me so I finally looked at him.

I picked up a heart shaped cookie and held it out to him. "You want?" A small smile tugged at his lips and he nodded.

I gave it to him then took one for myself. Biting into it, I paused.

Something's missing.

It's not that they tasted bad, they just lacked icing.

"Can you help me decorate them?" I asked.

He hummed in response and came up beside me. I rummaged through the drawers, looking for my icing kit.

I took it out, went over to the fridge and brought the vanilla icing back to the counter.

After filling two pastry bags with icing, I handed one to him.Then, we got to work.

I decorated them randomly, drawing weird designs and adding more sweetness to the already sweet sugar cookies.

I glanced at him every now and then. His presence simply drew me in.

The memories began flashing back in my mind and I couldn't help but smile a little. Thinking about him made me do that, a lot.

I honestly missed the times like this we spent together.

Simply being together in silence, enjoying each other's presence.

Then, there were the memories I hated thinking about.

Like when he told me he didn't love me. When we had all those stupid arguments. When I saw him with that girl on my birthday. When he'd leave before I woke up.

We had our ups and downs but we let the bad things win and in the end, lost each other.

But now, I feel like it's the start of something new. Perhaps we could rekindle what we once had.

I wondered, would that be for the better or for the worse?

Regardless, I wanted him to be in my life and I wanted to be in his.

It never felt right to me when we were apart. It was clear that a part of me was missing.

Then, over time, I got it back. I fell in love with myself whilst the feelings for him grew along with the passion and ambition I had.

But three years ago, when we were together, all my love went to him.

And it made me think, that's probably why, before, I wasn't able to truly love myself.

Now don't get me wrong, I could definitely love him without loving myself. I did love him without truly loving myself.

But it just wasn't healthy. To rely on him for something that I needed to have for myself first.