It always ends

thirty-four

Ace

I watched from afar as she placed a bouquet of red roses on my gravestone. It felt like a stab to the heart. All I wanted to do was tell her that I was right here, that I would never dream of leaving her.

But she couldn't hear me.

It's been two months since I left her. Two months of pure torture.

I saw her break down, unable to do anything. It's better this way, I told myself but I didn't even believe that.

Every day I watched her, barely able to hold herself together. I heard her sobs, I felt her pain. It was absolutely unbearable. I did this to her, thinking I was saving her from misery by leaving for good. I thought she could finally be freed, happier without me. Instead, I caused her more pain than ever.

She came here every day, and my heart longed to be with her.

What hurt the most was seeing her cry. She'd sit on the bench, talk to me as if I was there, telling me about her day and how she's doing. She would place the bouquet there, where she thought I rested and cried.

"It's so hard without Ace. I feel like I'm dying and I can't do anything. I long for the nights so I can go to sleep and dream of you, a place where everything is better..."

I wanted to take her there, away from this.

"Most of the time, I wish that I would never wake up. Other times, I wish this was all a nightmare, that I'd wake up and you'd be next to me. Like how it should be."

I hated this so fucking much. If I wasn't already dead, seeing her this way killed me.

"A world without you is a world not worth living, because you're my world and now you're gone."

I'm right here.

After a while, she looked up to the sky, wiped her tears and reluctantly got up. It took everything in me to stay where I was, away from her. I so desperately wanted to grab her in my arms and hold her close, to shield her from the darkness I shed upon her. I wanted to fix it, fix our broken world. But I couldn't. So I watched her from a distance, and loved her from afar.

"I love you Ace," she whispered to the sky. The pain in her voice stabbed me in the heart.

I love you more, I wanted to say. Remaining stationary, I let her go.

Though it was for the best, everything felt wrong.

Suddenly I was drowning and she's standing at the surface, unable to save me because she couldn't hear my screams.

She couldn't see me. But I could see her. From the dark circles under her eyes, to her tear stained cheeks, smudged mascara, to her sad smile. She needed me. She didn't know it but I'll always be with her. She'll never see me but I'll always be right here. Life will go on and she'll move on. It's better this way.

She will be safe and better off living in a world without me. Living a life where I had no place. She'll learn to be happy again, all without me.

I found it ironic how my whole life I've only dreamed of building that future we always talked about and now, I was choosing to walk away. All this talk about giving her the forever she deserved, but deep down I always knew I wasn't capable of it.

And I already slipped away.

My world was pulled back into darkness, no love. No light. No Harper. And I faded into nothingness, drowning yet still looking at her, it's the only reason I kept going.

Then the foolish part of me hoped that one day, I could make my way back to her. Perhaps I could give her the forever she deserved, like I promised. The memories flashed before me and I felt my heart beat again. Being here, somewhat close to her, I was able to breathe.