this thought keeps coming in my brain
i'm holding a gun
and i use my thumb
and i pull the hammer back
and i point it towards my head
and i pull the trigger
the bullet goes through my skull
through my brain
out the other side
and i'm still alive
so i use my thumb again
and i pull back the hammer
and i shoot it
but i'm still not dead
so keep going
again and again and again
and my head is filled with all these holes
and every thought
every memory
every piece of me
that makes me, me
seeps from me
escapes through these cavities
that i've ravaged my own body with
and i'm here but i'm not the same
and i wonder why im alive
but i know that was never my intention
i didn't want to be dead
i wanted to be empty
and hollow
and that's what i made myself
a bystander
incapable of being of any use
to the people who need me
i am a fork
when i need to be a spoon
i am a prayer
when what they really need is cash
i add quantity
but no real substance
because substance requires something
some sort of responsibility
to be of use or value to someone
or something else
it requires an amount of obligation
to entities outside of myself
that i simply don't have the energy for
i put the gun to my head
and i pulled the trigger
and i'm alive
because there was no intention behind that bullet
i put a hole in my head but i didn't mean it
now i'm stuck in between two realms
unsure of which way to go
i'm a ghost with a heart beat
i am night of the living dead
