i could find myself
walking to the front door
i could find my hand
reaching for the knob
i could find myself turning it
i could find myself in my car
putting it in reverse
looking behind me to check for cars
i could find myself driving away
i imagine arriving at the airport
waiting for the shuttle
navigating the airport was never too hard
and i could find myself in my seat
looking out the window as we take off
i could find myself leaving
and i find myself often
with these thoughts
i find my heart beat slows
and the panic subsides
when i find myself thinking
about landing somewhere else
and being far away
and then i find myself afraid again
of this feeling inside of me
that wants to leave so bad
because my heart is an anchor
and my feet are chains
and together they keep me on the ground in
and i find myself wary of leaving the ground
even if i could
even if i could fly
my body knows how it feels to come back down
and from my plane seat i find myself hitting the dirt
and my world stops glitching
and reality sets in
like a weighted blanket
the day turns to a deep night
and i find myself
in a dream
walking to the front door
i find my hand
reaching for the knob
i find myself turning it
i find myself in my car
and i dream that i turn the key
and my car won't start
and i'm afraid
and all i want is you
because it's cold outside
and i find myself thinking about
how warm you are
in our warm house
in our warm bed
with our warm cats
and i wake up warm
next to you
and i find myself wondering what's real
and wondering what i want
and wondering just how
i could find myself
