the way you drop
a heavy basket of laundry
before you even get to the washer
or the way
you find the groceries
slipping from your hands
before you get in the door
i set you down
like a bowl that got too hot
in the microwave
like a blunt that got too short
i put you down
carelessly
i let you down
which is something of a habit of mine
drenched in disappointment
from condescending eyes
i stand in front of you
humiliated
the way you'd stand
if you were half naked in public space
high and lost
ashamed almost
disgusted
i'm in a constant state
of picking things up
just to put them back down
and the look
on your face
when i don't put these things
in my pocket
when i don't carry them with me
when i don't make a commitment
makes me want to never
touch anything
ever again
i'm so tired of owing myself
to people
and i know they want the best
and i know i choose the worst
and i know that's the point
i know that is the root
or the soil that this doomed plant
thrives from
the guilt
the musty salty guilt
that grows between old bloated decisions
that i have yet to make
the initial support
the way the expectation
grows stale
and disappointment
starts growing
like a fungus
like moss
that grows over all these words
that i left unsaid
all these feelings
left untouched
like overgrown grass
i put you down
i left you here
to decay
your eyes were once
such a deep, warm brown
now they're cold
dull like stone
and covered in green
