man
am i alone
am i trapped inside these memories
that i can't speak out loud
man did i fuck up
did i fly into a web
that's been holding me here
for two years
ripping myself apart
limb by limb
trying to escape
when i know
my only options are to starve or to bleed out
when i know i wont make it out alive
when the thoughts ravage my brain
like a tornado
and the memories make me feel more
than the person sitting in front of me
man
is that fucked up
to miss the knife
i used to cut myself
to miss the poison
i used to kill the one i loved
like missing the water you've already drowned in
some days
i find it hard to tell
whether i'm the fly
or the spider
or the web itself
i wonder until my hands go numb
and my hair falls out
and i don't recognize myself in the mirror
everyday i feel more like a memory
than a person
like i'm watching flashbacks
instead of living my life
and the line between reality
and the storm in my brain
gets thinner
until i'm not sure what's real
or even what real means
i watch myself
tighten a fist around his throat
like a collar
when i was the one
who got off the leash
and my knuckles go white
and his face is purple
but he's smiling back
telling me he loves me
there's pain in his eyes
that reminds me someone else
somewhere else
and i want to let go
but not to save him
to save myself
i've been dangling over this cliff for so long
so afraid to let go
to fall into the darkness
afraid of what will happen
when this shell i've created around myself
finally breaks
and all i'm left with
are the mushy insides
the sensitive parts
the real parts
surrounded with the pain
and guilt
that i banished at the bottom of this abyss
because i couldn't cope
i didn't want to
every minute i'm here
every minute i hold on to him
is another minute
spent lying
deceiving
the both of us
man
i fucked up
i'm fucked up
