i was young
dramatic and hormonal
and so, so sad
my life was shifting
i was feeling unsure
so when he draped
that weighted blanket
around my shoulders
i felt rapture
and i thought
yes
this
this is what i've been waiting for
this is the feeling
i was safe
and warm
he told me there was
no chance of my feet
slipping off the ground
floating away
into the sun
where i would have burned
i wrapped that blanket
around me so tight
and for so long
i carried it
because i was scared
of what would happen
when i put it down
would i float?
into the sun?
completely helpless
without anything
to hold on to?
without a hanging vine to catch
or a stray branch to reach for
with no hope of coming down
with the only end
being to burn in the sun
i put the blanket
over my head
over my shoulders
over my back
i would not lose myself
and he would not lose me
and we shared a blanket
and walked together
like kids dressed as ghosts
trick or treating on halloween night
except instead of excitement and candy
it was fear
and drugs
and darkness
and loneliness
it's hard to talk to people
with a blanket over your head
and then one day
he disappeared
and he took the blanket with him
and much to my surprise
my feet stayed on the ground
and i was not burning
still, though, my feet had not left the ground
i had not taken a step
maybe, i envisioned, that's when it would happen
i could see it
one foot off the ground
and i'd be floating out the window
headed toward the sun
but then i thought
fuck it
fuck the sun
and i lifted one foot
and i started running
out the door
and the steps came so easy
without the weight
and i could see everything in front of me
and everything in front of me
could see me
and i thought
yes
this
THIS is the feeling
this is the freedom
and fuck
i didn't even want to wear a jacket anymore
and briefly
i let myself stare into the sun
and let the sun
in return
burn me up
