Nothing But Bad

Nineteen

William
•••

   I hated her. She was stubborn, hotheaded, fucking opinionated. She should have left like I told her. She should of, but I shouldn't have expected less of her. She always found a way to surprise me.

   I wondered how life would be without her. The months before, I went in a craze. Something changed in me that day. I had lost too many people too fast.

   Any ounce of innocence had left my body. All the naiveness gone. That's what I was. I was stupid to think I could be anything good. I was stupid to want it.

   Would it hurt? Watching her lifeless body fall to the floor.

   I mourned her before. But then I found ways to distract myself. Would they work again?

   I thought I was in some sort of nightmare that day. Levi and Christian walking into my room. I knew it was serious. They had interrupted me from...

   I don't even want to think about it now. It makes me feel sick.

   "Arden's alive and here." Christian was the one to say it to me. That's what I liked about him. He always cut to the chance, never sugarcoated the hard truth.

   He had told me before that you can't stop the inevitable. Better to suck it up and say it right away, better than waiting and letting it hurt more.

   I didn't want to see her. Couldn't bring myself to. But seeing her, sleeping on the floor. It was as if nothing had changed. She didn't stab me in the back, nothing had ever happened. I had forgotten for a moment, just a few seconds. What I felt in that moment, the relief. Maybe even happiness. I knew I wouldn't get that ever again.

   Because then reality hit. I remembered what she did. I remembered that I hated her.

   We had both done things we would of never guessed of each other. I played her, just as well as she had me.

   I had forgotten my father's orders until she scream about them to me that day on the cliff.

   Yes, that's why I started getting closer to her. Being nicer, I tried to charm her. But the more I did, the more she charmed me. Then all plans to woo her stopped. It became too real.

   I had fell in love with her. Nothing filled my mind but thoughts of her.

   I used to make fun of Levi, how he would gush about Gwen. But then Gwen and Levi were making fun of me. Gwen was the first one I told.

   "You're an idiot." She laughed in my face. "But I understand."

   She did, I think she was the only one who truly got it. Levi thought it was stupid, said I'd ruin the plan. Thought it was dangerous. Even though he loved Arden as a friend, he was a soldier first. But Gwen, she was closer to Arden.

   I saw the beauties in Arden's flaws.

   Gwen did too. And that was both of our mistakes.

   Now I stand, looking at the girl I hate. A gun held to her head, by my father.

He's going to pull the trigger. His finger dances on the trigger.

I look away.

My stomach drops as the gun's shot rings throughout the room.
•••