Colors (rewritten)

KRISTEN

The one downside about being hopelessly in love with someone is that you are willing to do anything for them, including jeopardizing your own mental health. I would know, I'm a wreck right now.

I feel like I'm screaming and no one can hear because that's what depression feels like for me. And the worst part of feeling like this is that no one can help me because no one can ever understand how much it hurts. And I can't exactly make them understand because that would mean explaining to them that I'm in this current state because against my better judgement I decided to log into my social media accounts to check on the person I'm in love with who also happens to be my guidance counselor slash teacher who also happens to be very married.

I don't know where I got the balls to stalk Mr Zukov on Instagram but I impulsively did and now I'm paying the price.

"You were doing so well." My mom is sitting on my bed, stroking my hair and trying her best to get me out of this funk.

Yes I was doing well until I saw Mr Zukov cozying up to the lovely Mrs Zukov. It hit me like a ton of bricks and the fact that She's gorgeous didn't help. They looked so in love on all of the pictures and nomatter how hard I tried to find any glimpse of maybe faking to be happy for the pictures on his part, I find none. He's genuinely happy with his wife, even other Instagram users commented as much. I have no chance with him, perhaps I never did.

"I want to die." Tears slip through my eyes as I whisper the words.

"No baby, you don't." My mom kisses my hair as her hold on me tightens. "You don't want to die." She assures me. "You are just having a bad day."

"It's been more than a bad day." I say through my tears. "I'm tired."

"Shhhh, you are going to be okay. It could be a bad day or bad days but you will always be okay because you have me, I'm here for you baby." She repeatedly kisses me whilest rubbing my shoulders. "They wouldn't want you to be like this. I know it's hard, I miss them too but getting like this is not good for either of us."

I cry harder, not only for me but for my mother as well. It's pretty sad that she thinks I'm like this because I miss my deceased father and brother and it's pretty pathetic that I'm letting her believe that. Shame on me, but if she the real reason as to why I'm like this then I would be in so much trouble.

My mother steps out of my room for a bit but she promises to come back soon and I believe because she hates leaving me alone when I'm in this state. I think she worries I might off myself if I'm left alone for a long time and I don't blame her. And I appreciate the space, it gives me time alone with my thoughts. I need to think, I need to figure out how I'm going to overcome this hurdle that is Mrs Zukov.

After an hour or so of just me and my thoughts I start to think that my mother may have left the apartment and not just my bedroom. I wish I could get irritated by her negligence but I'm too caught up in my own BS to feel anything other than life sucking depression and anxiety.

"I'm back!" My mother barges into my room. I'm facing away from her but I can tell from the sound of her voice that she's excited. What has she been up to?

"Uhuh." I mumble disinterestedly.

"I was going to make you chocolate chip cookies but then I realized I'm terrible in the kitchen,"

"True." My father usually did the cooking and baking.

"So I decided to go out and get you the best chocolate cookies I could find!" She sounds so proud of herself. "And when I was coming back I bumped into your friend."

I start to turn around. "Really?" I love chocolate cookies but right now I'm more interested to see which one of my friends is here to see me.

"Hey." Ashley says in a low voice as she steps into my room.

"Hi." I greet my friend in an equally low voice. "What are you doing here? Why aren't you at school?" I ask as I sit up.

"Well, you didn't show up at school and you weren't answering your phone and we were worried and since we can't all skip school, I decided to come and see if you were alright."

She sounds nervous, as usual, but it's also sweet that my friends are worried about me. I have never had that.

"Thank you for coming." I hold out my hand for her and she takes it. "Thank you so much."

"Well then," my mother starts again. "I guess I should get more cookies since your friend will be joining you on your lazy day from school."

"Oh no, that's okay." Ashley quickly protests. "I don't eat much."

No, she doesn't eat at all.

"Ashley is very particular about what she eats." I explain to my mom.

"Oh, she's watching her figure. Good for you!" My mom says to Ashley. "You could really learn a thing or two from her baby." She leans in and kisses my forehead. "I'm going to leave you two now, call me if you need anything. And eat something before taking your medication, it's too strong for an empty stomach."

"Okay mom." I sound impatient and thankfully my mom is perceptive enough to take a hint and  leaves.

Once my mom is finally out of my room, I ask Ashley to join me in my bed and thankfully she doesn't overthink it, she removes her shoes and slips under my covers.

"This isn't weird right?" Ashley asks as we lie together, facing each other.

"No, it's not weird at all." I assure her. "Thank you for checking up on me."

"It's not just me, we were all worried." She surprises me by raising her hand to my face and stroking my hair, just like my mom was doing earlier. "So, what happened?"

I was afraid of this question but it's only natural for my friends to be concerned about me and the root of my troubles, right? I just wish I could talk to them about it but im not sure if it's such a good idea.

"Anxiety," it's not really a white lie, I'm just not going to elaborate on why I'm anxious. "It happens from time to time." That's also not a lie.

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Anxiety can be a real bitch." She says and for some reason I start to giggle.

"Yes, anxiety is a bitch." I agree with her as I giggle harder.

"But you will be fine." She says in a soft and sincere tone. "You have me, you have us." She quickly adds. "We are here for you, always."

My head inches closer to hers. "Always and forever." I press a soft kiss on her lips because why not. She's one of my best friends and I love her so much, especially right in this moment when she's comforting me.