Colors (rewritten)

MAX

Something doesn't feel right, well something besides the fact that Ashley and I have stripped down to our underwear and we are facing each other in her bathtub. This might be the last time I let her convince me to smoke with her.

Weed usually puts me in a better mood, carefree and happier to be more precise. But lately I don't feel any of those things. It's just nausea and endless overthinking which ultimately leads to paranoia and I don't like those feelings at all.

"I think I'm fat." Ashley blurts out as she pinches her stomach fat, if we can even call it that. She's probably the skinniest person I know, I can actually see her ribs! "Do I look fat to you?" She asks and it feels like this is the one millionth time she's asked and that's only today.

"No," my voice sounds so lazy but I can't help it, I'm feeling so indifferent right now. "You look nice, like you always do." I add because my best friend has got serious body dysmorphia and she takes these comments about her appearance very serious.

"Oh I don't know," she shrugs. "Do you think Kristen is pretty?" She suddenly asks.

I immediately tense up at the mention of Kristen's name. We are not exactly talking lately and it's mostly my fault because I'm not replying her texts or answering any of her calls but I can't help it. The image of her kissing Santiago is forever stuck in my head. No matter how hard I try to block it out, I keep seeing them together and it's not a pretty picture.

"Why do you ask?" I really don't wanna talk about Kristen but Ashley is on a roll.

"Because I think she's hot," she starts giggling. "Do you remember the first time we saw her?"

"Hmmmm." I mumble, wondering where she's going with this?

"She was so effortlessly beautiful with her baggy clothes. Her eyes were so bright and when she looked at me I just thought," she pauses for a bit. "Wow," she finishes and starts giggling and weirdly I can't help but join her.

"Oh my God!" I say through my laughter. "You sound like you are inlove with her."

"Because I am!" Ashley laughs even harder as if she just said the funniest thing.

"Wait, what?"

"I'm inlove with Kristen!" She suddenly stops laughing. "There, I said it. I said it."

I don't say anything, I'm stunned. I had no idea Ashley played for both sides and that she's inlove with Kristen of all people! Jesus Christ, is everyone into her, is she really that attractive?

"Oh my God!" Ashley dramatically puts her hands over her mouth. "I can't believe I said it!" She shouts.

"Yeah you said it," Is all I manage to say. "Now can you please calm down."

"No no no." She says with her hands still covering her face as she shakes her head. "You don't understand!" She sounds hysterical.

"What don't I understand?" I try to be as calm as possible but I make a mental note to cut off Ashley from weed after this.

She removes her hands from her face and that's when I see the tears welling in her eyes. "Kristen doesn't love me." She sounds rather sad as she says it. "She doesn't love me and if I'm being honest I don't think she ever will."

"Hey," I place my hands on either sides of her face. "You are not alone. You have me and I love you so much. You are so amazing and if Kristen can't see then it's her loss...."

"But it's not!" Ashley interrupts me, shaking off both my hands from her face. "It's not her loss. And don't even try to placate me by giving me the you can do so much better bullshit because I can't, okay!" She sounds so upset and her eyes are welling up. "It's not easy for me, I'm not you or Tatiana or Mckayla. I don't have people lining up to go out with me. I have never been wanted by anyone and it didn't bother me much because I didn't want them. I didn't care that I was the invisible friend to the hot trio !"

"Ashley, you were never invisible."

"What the fuck do you know Max?" She shouts again, angry tears streaming down her face. "You don't have no fucking idea what it's like to be me. My life sucks, I suck! I hate everything about myself. Being high makes me feel better about being the mess I am but that can only last for so long. Sometimes I think I do it all for attention so that maybe my family and fucking friends will stop being self involved in their bullshit and take a look at me." She's full blown crying now. "I'm a mess okay."

"Ashley," I try to reach for her but she doesn't let me.

"No, I don't want you, I want her. I only want her but she doesn't want me, she doesn't even see me!"

Kristen is not my favorite person right now but I have to put that aside. "Of course she sees you...."

"Of course she does," she mocks. "As a fucking friend. But I want her to love me the same way I love her. Why doesn't she love me?"

"I don't know." I whisper, choking back my own tears. "Ash I don't know." I reach for her once more and this time she lets me hug her.

I let her cry on my shoulder, rubbing her back back and forth, comforting her. I have seen Ashley emotional before, one time I found her in her bedroom literally crying as she ate a whole pizza. It was the first time I got a glimpse of her eating disorder and I swore to never tell anyone. I even enabled her a few times because I thought I was being a good friend.

But now, seeing her like this has shown me that I haven't been a good friend and not that to Ashley. I mean, I am so caught up in my own superficial drama that I failed to notice that my best friend was into girls and that she was in love with my other friend who I have been treating like shit lately.

Ashley's words have really cut deep. Hearing talk about what she's been going through and knowing that I haven't been there for her really sucks. I have been a real dick and the worst part is I didn't even see it but I get it now and I'm going to try to be a better friend.

"Hey Max?" Ashley says after a while.

"Yeah?" I'm still holding her in my arms.

"A few weeks ago I stole painkillers from Kristen's house and got so hammered I don't remember getting home. But I do remember Camila going down on me and last week at Mckayla's  part she told me she was in love with me."

I'm stunned, I legit don't know what to say. And for some reason I'm starting to feel nauseous. What the fuck did I just hear? Ashley was talking so fast so maybe I might have misheard some of the absurd things she just said? Yeah, somehow I doubt that.

"Max please say something."

What can I say, I'm freaking out here! Well, there's  a lot I could say right now but I earlier I made a promise to be a better friend. And I really don't feel too good at the moment.

"Max?"

"I don't feel too good." I say as I gently start to push her off me.

Ashley frowns at me. "What?"

"I think I'm going to be sick." I quickly get out of the tub as I rush to the toilet, barely making it on time as I to my knees and start puking my guts out.