Scars (Ziam)

Healing

Hello, loves!

Here is another update for you all! I really hope you enjoy.

WARNING: This chapter deals heavily with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, and feelings of blame and loneliness. This is a chapter and a story about healing, and healing does not happen in a day or all at once. There are ups and downs, and I hope this story does a decent job at showing that rise and fall and the fight through it all.

Support is probably the number 1 thing to have, so please never feel like you are bothering me if you want to message me about anything. I will always reply when I have a moment to!

Love you all. Enjoy! <3

Chapter 44:

"I heard you did an excellent job at the art center on Wednesday," Dr. Phillips mentioned as we both took our respective seats in her office. She smiled over at me, and I stared down at my hands as I picked at the fabric of my sweats.

"I had a break down," I whispered, still so ashamed of it.

In order to even get out of bed today, I dressed in close that made me feel secure. An oversized hoodie and sweatpants that were baggy and light grey. I kept my hood up, hiding my face away as I'd grown so accustomed to doing.

"I ended up skipping school the rest of the week. I didn't want to go. I... I couldn't."

"Would you like to discuss what happened? It may help you feel better to try and voice any of your thoughts aloud."

I was silent as I thought about it. Every single part of me wanted to stay silent and leave this place, go back home and lock myself in my room once more, but I knew better. I knew that would eliminate all of the progression I had made so far. I just got communication with my family back. I really, really didn't fancy losing that.

"I..." I trailed off once more, picking at my own nails as I grew increasingly tense.

"There's no rush, Liam. Take your time," Dr. Phillips reminded kindly. Still, I could hear the seconds tick by on the clock, and I knew I did have a time limit for this session.

"I started thinking about happiness." It was a start.

"In a good or bad context?"

"Bad, I guess?" I shook my head. "I don't know. Everything just seemed to be going so well. Things were falling into place and becoming a little easier. I realized for the first time on Wednesday that I was beginning to feel happy. So, I shut down."

"How did you shut down?"

"I stayed in bed again. As I used to do." I blinked away the tears that threatened to shed. The shame was consuming me, and I didn't know how to get rid of it. "I missed the rest of the week of school, and I stopped talking to everyone after that Wednesday. I just laid in bed and stared at my wall."

"And how did you feel? How did doing that make you feel?"

I couldn't stop the tears from falling any longer. The first couple dripped down onto my clenched fist, but I refused to wipe them away.

"Sad," I admitted in a choked voice. "So incredibly sad."

"What were you sad about? Try to be as specific as possible."

"I was sad that I pushed everyone away again and hurt them. I was sad that I allowed my thoughts to win once more and push me back to square one. I was sad that I didn't care about anything or what happened to me as long as I didn't have to feel the pain of losing happiness after gaining it. I was sad that I'm so afraid of happiness. And I was sad that I failed. I'm still so- so fucking sad," I cried out, fully breaking down in the chair across from Dr. Phillips.