Here's to the Night

Update

I still see people commenting on my previous a/n I had one person message asking how my sister is doing after her boyfriends suicide and I want everyone to know I very much appreciate the love and care.

As of yesterday my nephew turned 5 months old he's a beautiful baby! With big blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair (just like his dad!) He smiles all the time, laughs and he loves animals we've already deemed him as the future family vet while my daughter is deemed future lawyer (we call her loophole Lilly) because her name is Lilianna and she fights her way out of everything.
-_-

Anyway my sister has her days, sometimes she's angry, sometimes she cries and sometimes shes happy and hopeful for the future. It's each day at a time. Other times I swear she could win an Oscar for how good she is it at faking a smile or a laugh. I've told her many times I could never be as strong as she is and her only response is "I have to be." Which I'm sure a lot of us can relate to in just our everyday lives. Sometimes she swears she sees him at night putting a blanket over the baby while he's in his crib or comforting him when he's upset.

For me the pain has mostly passed, I still live in the same apartment and while its easier now watching my daughter and puppy run around in the backyard together I struggle to walk out front and see their old apartment, the same apartment that's attached to mine that only separates us by one thin wall. It's obviously impossible to avoid but I pay no mind. New people have moved in now they fight a lot just like my sister and her boyfriend, sometimes I lay in bed at night and listen to their arguments as strange as that is it's almost comforting!

My boyfriends brother the one who found him hanging took a turn for the worse about a month ago, he confessed to me he was using heroin again and was contemplating suicide. We quickly had him checked into a rehab facility in Pennsylvania.

My daughter no longer asks about him even though he was technically her uncle and were pretty close. We explained it to her once that he died and was living a happy life in heaven. Although I've never considered myself a religious person it seemed to be the easiest explanation at her age. Sometimes my sister asks me if my daughter asks about him or remembers him, I lie and tell her yes because I know alls she wants is for him to be remembered. Sometimes a lie coming from a good place is better then the truth because it does bring a genuine smile.

We don't talk about it much to each other close to never really. I dream about him here and there short dreams where he might put his hand on my shoulder and send a message through me for my sister. One time I took a short nap before work and had a very intense dream of him, I ended up breaking down while at work to my friend I told her I hated him and that I wanted to forget about him for good and that I wished he would stay out of my dreams and thoughts.

I haven't dreamed about him since. Maybe he knows how much it hurts me. While It isn't true that I hate him I stand strong that I never want to see him again (in my dreams) it's to painful. But what's really painful is that my nephew will never know what it's like to have a dad at least not his biological one anyway. One day my daughter will ask what happened to my cousins dad, my former uncle? And I'll have to be honest but I take comfort in the fact that day is very far off for both Lilly and my nephew.

We all share our own sides of guilt, even me but in the end it was nobody's decision but his own. December 9th is a day that goes down in history for myself and my family. But it doesn't change the fact that through the dark always comes light!

Thank you all again I will try to update a new chapter tonight.

xoxo