LOVE

Fucked up

Samaira's POV

Us? As much as I like to hear it, things are complicated between us. I have a million questions, and I don't think I can't forgive him without having my answers.

"Blake, say whatever you want to say. Spill it all out today. Because, either this is our very last ordinary conversation or...the start of many more conversations like this. Everything depends on this conversation," I state, and he nods.

"Samaira...I am sorry for whatever I did 10 years ago. Doing that to you was never my intention", he said. Not once did he glance at me while saying that.

"Yeah, you have said that before. But what exactly are you remorseful for? Do you even know what you are sorry for? What intentions are you talking about?" This time, I didn't yell. I was serene, my voice was calm, my words were clear, and so were my thoughts. At this point, I was exhausted from screaming or crying. And I realized, he never actually justified himself. I wanted him to do that.

"There's a lot," he speaks. "Yeah, I know. And I'd like you to name all of those and then apologize. Because, I have said it before, and I'll say it again. There's no point in apologizing if you don't even know what you are apologizing for.

"Actually, I'd like you to name those. Because I am sure there's a lot more to apologize for than I can think of. Either I'll apologize or illustrate myself. Let it all out. All the queries, all the rage, all the hatred. Hit me if you want to. Because...I don't want this to be our final conversation," he expresses with so much pain in his voice that I almost hug him. But I contain myself. We need to have this discussion. It's now or never.

"Why were you always flirting with me if you didn't like me at all? Why'd you hurt me?" I asked. "You knew I was one of those guys who used to flirt with every second girl," he replied. "But I thought that I was different," I whispered to myself. He put a finger beneath my chin and made me peek up at him. "You were different. You are different. And...I did like you," he expressed. "Then why did you hurt me?" I asked again and he didn't reply. "I am sorry," that's all he said.

"Why did you change all of a sudden? Why were you always rude to me after I confessed? You told me you despised me. You forced me away. You shunned my chats, my calls, ME. You made me feel unworthy. You made me feel insecure. You made me feel like I was the dumbest creature. You made me cry. You made me suffer. You broke me," with every word, I shrieked. The pain became unbearable. I was sobbing so much. I am a mess. 

He embraced me, tight. "Shh. Please...please don't cry. Please," he begged. But he was crying too. I could feel his tears falling. "I am so fucking sorry. I thought... I was protecting you. But I ended up doing the complete opposite. I am a fucking idiot. Please, I cannot see you in pain. That's the reason I flew away and came to Canada in the first place. Because I couldn't see you in so much...pain," he articulated in between his sobs.

I looked up at him. "Protecting me from what?"I asked. "From me," he answered. "Why?" I questioned. I was so baffled. "I used to consume drugs, and..." he began but I didn't let him persist. "I knew that. I knew you consumed drugs. I knew you smoked. I knew your damn habits for god's sake, Blake!" I yelled.

"I was a fucking drug addict, Samaira. I was an addict. I was always high. All I used to do in a day was drink, smoke, consume drugs, and fuck girls! Would you want to date such a guy?! I didn't want my darkness to eradicate you. I didn't want to give you that disaster of a life. I fucking hated staying away from you. But I didn't want to ruin your life. I wanted you to live a happy life. I didn't realize that it would wreck you. And I'm so fucking sorry for it. But I was miserable too. I fucking love you. I did back then and still do. And I don't know how to fucking prove it to you"