Finding Happiness

chapter 100!

"go on, say everything and anything you want. Noah isn't here to filter it out" Sebastian said.

"I've already said I hate you and don't want you in my life. What more do you want me to say"

"I want to know why" Sebastian knew why, he just wanted to hear it.

"Because you hurt me, you said things to me, I can't trust you anymore, you wanted me to hate you I guess because you definitely achieved that. Noah is wrong, you are a monster, you are a cruel deceitful monster" Riley ranted.

Sebastian nodded. He knew he was right when he claimed himself to be a monster, at least Riley saw what he saw.

"You always blame your father for everything, for your behaviour but maybe it's you, youre the problem not him"

Sebastian could take all the hate she had for him but he couldn't take this, how could she even say that.

"I see, if that's how you feel then I accept it" Sebastian said calmly. He wasn't angry, far from it, he was struggling not to break.

"It is, you're a monster Sebastian and your father isn't to blame, you are"

Riley walked out after this and as soon as she left Sebastian broke down.
He percieved her words to be 'its your fault, you are to blame for your father's abuse'

The kitchen knives looked tempting. He started to wonder how much damage they would do.

Noah saw Riley leave, she looked annoyed but upset so he walked up to her "hey what happened, are you okay" he asked. "I'm fine" she told him. "Are you sure because we can talk about it if you want" Noah said, he presumed Sebastian had snapped at her.
"Yeah, I'm going to school" Riley walked off.

Noah walked to the kitchen, he had planned to ask Sebastian what he had done but he wasn't prepared for what he saw. Sebastian had hold of a knife , a large cut along his wrist. "Sebastian, you said you wouldn't" Noah couldn't help but say as he rushed over.

"She sees me as a monster too" Sebastian muttered.

"Is this why you did it" Noah asked getting some bandages and other stuff he would need out.

"No" Sebastian whispered.

"Then why " Noah asked looking at the wound.

"It's my fault. It's all my fault. I deserved it, that's why he did it"

"Sebastian is this about father, I already said you didn't deserve it and I meant it so please believe me"

"Riley thinks it" Sebastian said in such a tone it was heartbreaking. "Riley thinks it" he repeated as he brought the knife to his other wrist. "She thinks I'm to blame, I'm the problem not father" Sebastian went to cut but Noah knocked the knife from his hand.

Noah looked at his brother, his brother was truly broken. He pulled his brother into a hug. "She was wrong Sebastian, what exactly did she say, maybe she meant something else"

Sebastian had those words stuck in his mind "you're a monster Sebastian and your father isn't to blame, you are" he repeated Riley's words.

Noah didnt know what to say, it definitely sounded like she was blaming him.

"Maybe I'm just as bad, I said some fucked up shit too" Sebastian mumbled.

"Father turned you into what you see yourself to be. How can he not be at fault, he abused you and you became this, I'd say it was 100% his fault" Noah said.

"The abuse was my fault" Sebastian said.

Noah didn't know where to go from here "it wasn't your fault and it never will be" he calmly started to treat Sebastian's wound and bandage it up.

"Maybe we should take a day off work" Noah suggested.

"No. I need to work to keep my mind busy"

So for the rest of the day Noah and Sebastian attended meetings, Noah would keep checking on Sebastian not that he needed it, if you were to walk in on Sebastian you would never tell he was in pain, he was back to being a cold and calculated businessman who always got his way.  Sebastian had built his business up and there was no room for error, everyone knew that so when he was in a particularly foul mood like today, everyone avoided him. 

At the end of the day, Noah went to Sebastian's office, they had taken the same car today because Noah was too worried for Sebastian's wellbeing to let him drive off on his own.

"So how was your day" Noah asked walking in like nothing was wrong.

"It was fine" Sebastian knew he was about to get a lecture.

"Maybe we could go see the doctor" Noah slowly suggested, he had already booked Sebastian in for an appointment before this morning's events, he had called a few days ago.

"I don't exactly need a doctor"

"Sebastian I'm worried, please just one session, if not for yourself but for my sake" Noah knew he wasn't being fair, to bring himself into it but it was the only way.

"Fine. But you are seeing one too" Sebastian compremised.

"Me? I don't need to see a doctor" Noah was fine.

"You might not need to be I think you would benefit, you have been handling everything for a while now and I should have been there to help you, I should be helping you now, I'm trying though" Sebastian said, he had already booked Noah in to see a doctor.

"Fine, I'll speak to one if it will get you to go, we need the kids seeing them too" Noah agreed.

"Yeah, I'll have a word to the doctor about them. I don't think Lucas will be happy with it and we already know Riley hates the idea" Sebastian said.
Noah thought back to this morning and what she said, he knew he told her that he wouldn't tell and he wanted to keep his word, but Sebastian needed to know.

"Yeah, before you came in, she kind of broke down, I shouldn't be telling you as she doesn't want you to know but..." Noah started but Sebastian cut him off "is it life threatening" he asked, Noah shook his head "is she in any danger", Noah shook his head again. "then don't tell me, she trusted you to tell her, I don't want you to break her trust by telling me if she has told you not to"

Noah nodded, he always admired that about Sebastian, growing up he may have been hard to talk to but if Noah or Lucas had a problem they didn't want anyone finding out about they could go to Sebastian, even after their father, Noah respected Sebastian's decision and left it at that. Sebastian wasn't one to share any information his siblings told him, the way he saw it was if they were willing to tell him something so personal then he had no right to tell anyone else.

Thinking about that, he thought back to how he used Kevin and friends as a threat to Riley, he knew it was personal, he never would have done it but he said that and although it didn't break his own rules on privacy, he used it and he knew even more that he deserved what she had said to him, he deserved the beatings from their father and she was right, it was his fault.

- italics are Sebs thoughts