You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part eight

PJ P.O.V.

One month later.

I forced a smile to show Chris I was okay. He smiled a genuine one back, happy to see that I was showing another emotion. For the past four weeks I hadn't smiled properly or been anything other than sad.

I locked the door slowly, not in any rush to get to where we were going.

Chris matched my slow stroll and I had to smirk at his desperate attempts of trying to make conversation. When he finally sighed the I-give-up sigh, I felt myself destress a bit. I wasn't in the mood for his chatter, I had to think things through and try and make myself go numb so I wouldn't feel my heart rip in two later.

"Peej?"

"Yeah?"

"You know I'm here for you, right? And you know you can tell me anything?"

"Yep," I replied, popping the 'p'. I internally groaned as I knew where Chris was going with this, he was going to try and get me to tell him what I had been so upset about over the weeks. But I couldn't tell him, how could he understand?

"Have I done something wrong or said something? Is it my fault? PJ, talk to me, please!" He grabbed my wrist, pulling me to a halt which forced me to look at his watery eyes.

"It's not your fault," I said emotionlessly. Truth was, I wouldn't have been able to get through the past month if it hadn't been for Chris's 24 hour shoulder-to-cry-on service.

"Then what is it? I'm going crazy here, don't you trust me?" He was my best friend, of course I trusted him.

"I can't tell you," I wanted to, but it was my biggest secret going, and I didn't want him to judge me or treat me differently.

He sighed and carried on walking, leaving me behind. I felt guilty, his usual confident posture had been replaced with a slump and it was my fault. I ran and caught up with him.

"Chris!" he looked up at me, looking hopeful. "I'm sorry, I just... I can't tell you, not yet, I'm not ready," I could almost hear his hope go crashing down as his expression changed.

"It's okay, I understand," guilt grew within me, but I was glad he was letting it go for now. We walked in silence for another 10 minutes getting to a block of apartments.

After an awkward minute lift ride, my stomach started tying itself in knots as we walked closer to the door. Chris knocked it as I tried to compose myself, wanting to act as normal as I could.

Dan answered the door smiling at us. He's so beautiful.

"Hi guys, come in!" I hesitated for a moment then followed in after Chris. Act normal. Act normal. Act normal.

Phil came through and stood next to Dan, putting an arm around his waist. Jealous enraged within me but I covered it with a smile, like I always had.

I couldn't stop myself comparing Phil to Dan. Where Dan was tanned, Phil was shockingly pale. Dan's hazel eyes were warm enough to make you melt but Phil's baby blue one's were deep enough to let you drown in. How when they smiled Dan's dimples showed but Phil's cheeks stayed the same.

"Can I have a brew please mate?" A northern accent snatched me out of my thoughts, causing me to flinch.

"Sure, Peej, tea?"

"What? Oh, yeah please," the black-haired boy left us and I felt my heart plummet as I caught the way Dan was looking at Phil. There was so much love in his gaze it was almost radiating around the room.

As much as I tried, I couldn't be happy for Dan. I loved him so much it physically hurt me and made it difficult for me to breathe, and it killed me knowing he would never look at me the way he looked at Phil.

"Peej?"

"Huh?"

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

"Like what?" Dan raised an eyebrow to show he knew that I knew exactly what I was on about, but I blushed when he made eye contact with me. I didn't ever want to leave the comfort of his hazel eyes but I feared he would be able to read my thoughts if I continued staring at him any longer.

Chris threw himself down on one of the sofas and leaned back and I followed his lead. I didn't relax though and stayed sitting up rigidly.

"PJ!" Chris spoke to me so only I could hear. I felt a hand on my shoulder I turned to look at him, confused. "What's wrong with you? Relax!" He pulled me backwards so I was leaning against it, but it felt unnatural and I sat up again.

Dan and Phil came in with the teas. I mumbled something which I hoped classed as a thanks and took my mug from Dan. Our skin made contact for a second but the smallest touch sent fireworks into my body, the feeling spreading like wildfire.

I smile but no one notices as they all suddenly go into conversation. I don't pay attention and find myself stealing glances at Dan. Phil is next to him, an arm around his waist protectively. Every now and then he would smile at Dan with the same amount of love and admiration, but no one could ever love Dan as much I did.

I hoped Phil knew how lucky he was, I would do anything to be able to call Dan mine, but his heart was already taken by someone who I supposedly called one of my friends.

A while after, Phil turned on the PlayStation 3 and handed us all a controller. I seemed to turn into my usual self in these hours of playing video games; my cheeky and competitive side paid a temporary visit which made things almost normal.

Chris noticed this and glanced in my direction, sending me a small smile. Sometimes I was amazed at what he could pick up on, but then again he was my best friend and spent the most time with me and knew what was normal and what wasn't.

I looked over to Dan and Phil and saw something that made my heart shatter. They were kissing; Dan was smiling as his lips were pressed against Phil's.

My stomach dropped and all the air left my lungs, I was unable to breathe but the only thing that mattered was stopping the physical pain in my chest which was paired with a burning sensation in my eyes. But I couldn't look away, no matter how much I wanted to.

I had to get out of here.

Now.

Shaking slightly I pulled my phone out of my pocket and pretended to be shocked at the time and cleared my throat.

"Uh, haha, wow, uh, I gotta go guys, I have an appointment some... Where..." I stood up, blinking back the tears. I couldn't help but look at Dan and Phil again, they were looking into each other's eyes again and their hands linked. They all looked up at me, confusion crossing their faces. "But it was nice seeing you guys yeah? I'll see you later Chris," the words stumbled out of my mouth at an unnatural speed but I smiled what I hoped was a convincing one and took my leave.

I walked out the apartment as fast as I could without raising suspicion and closed the door quietly and without thinking started going down the stairs as fast as I could. I didn't even know I was crying until I felt something cold sliding down my cheek. I pulled the sleeve of my hoodie over my hand and wiped the tears away.

"Peej? PJ wait!" Chris. I heard his frantic steps behind me and ignored his calls behind me. Not now Chris.

I felt adrenaline filling my veins and when I left the building I took as much of a deep breath as I could and then I ran.