You're The Straw To My Berry (Phan)

Part twelve

Phil P.O.V.

"See you later Phil, love you!"

"Love you too!" I called back, the butterflies in stomach fluttered and I couldn't help but smile. I really did love Dan, and the fact that we were together hadn't still sunk in yet, so I was still surprised when he would kiss me or hold my hand when we went out.

I lay down on the sofa to get comfortable and stretched to reach for the TV controls. I decided to have a lazy day since I didn't have any plans to do anything.

Half an hour into a Buffy episode I heard my phone ring from Dan's bedroom. I leapt up and ran to the room to see Chris's caller ID on screen.

"Hello?" I answered.

"Hey Phil, can I come over?"

"Sure, anytime!"

"Is it okay if I'm round in 10?"

"Yeah that's fine, see you in a bit!"

"Thanks, bye," I hung up and went in the kitchen and turned on kettle so that it was ready. Chris made his way round in record time, knocking on the door the moment the kettle had finished boiling.

I opened the door to Chris who didn't look like his usual self, but I blamed it on last night. He smiled weakly at me and I returned it and let him in.

"Tea?" I asked him.

"Yeah please!" I made our drinks and brought them and Chris took his appreciately.

"Thanks."

"So, what's up Chris?"

"Phil... how did you know you loved Dan?" That caught me off guard. I thought for a minute before responding.

"I just... knew. He always made me happy, and I got butterflies when I was around him. When I hugged him I never wanted to let go and his laughter was the best sound, and I would do anything to make him smile. He was my first thought in the morning and my last thought at night, but I swear I seemed to think about him constantly. I knew little things about him no one seemed to notice, like when he tilts his head and smiles when he's tired or how he sits when he's sad. I think it was when I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and losing him was my worst fear," I felt myself going red but Chris wasn't looking at me, he seemed to be staring at the floor intensely as he processed what I said.

"And... did it hurt when you loved him?"

"Yes," I didn't feel like need to elaborate because I think he knew exactly what I had felt.

"How did it feel being in love with your best friend? Was he the first boy you had feelings for?"

"Yeah... He was the first. Sometimes I hated it, and I was scared I would wreck our friendship if I told him how I felt, but other times I loved how easy it was for him to make me happy. He saved me Chris, falling in love saved me."

"If I tell you something... Do you promise not to tell anyone? Not even Dan?"

"I promise."

"I... I think I'm in love with PJ."

"Oh," I had been suspecting it for months but it still came as a surprise. "For how long?" 

"I think I realised when we moved in together, but I've had feelings for him since I first met him," he laughed humourlessly but I was stuck for words and didn't know what to say. "What do I do Phil? I can't leave him, he needs me and I need him. I don't know what to do, I'm so confused, I can't be near him if he doesn't have feelings for me but being away from him... it kills me, you know?" he sighed and put his mug on the table. 

"I'm sorry Chris," I put my own down and got up sat next to him, putting an arm around his shoulders. "How do you know he doesn't have feelings for you?" 

"He doesn't look at me the way Dan looks at you," I couldn't help but smile at what he said. 

"I think you should tell him, maybe... maybe he'll see you differently." 

"I can't risk it," his voice was breaking now and I knew he was going to start crying. "He's not homophobic, I know that, but what if he's straight and isn't as close to me anymore? We've been sleeping in the same bed together but he just thinks it's friendly," he buried his face in my chest and I hugged him properly. Seeing people cry was one thing, but seeing Chris cry was a completely different thing altogether. 

"I wish there was something I could do, I'm sorry." 

"It's not your fault," he mumbled. He sighed again and hugged me tightly. "I'm sorry for dumping this on you, but I know I can trust you but if I kept it to myself any longer I thought I was going to go crazy." 

"It's okay Chris, I'm here for you." 

"I just don't know what to do," he sobbed. "He's sad all the time and it hurts me, and I can't figure out what's wrong." 

"He'll tell you when he's ready, I promise. Maybe he has feelings for a guy and doesn't know how to cope with it and isn't sure how to tell you. I know I found it hard and I didn't tell anyone, Dan was the first that knew, if you come out to him then that might help." 

"Yeah, maybe," he pulled away from me and used a sleeve to wipe his eyes. "I feel better." 

"Good," I grinned. People never really came to me for advice but I always liked it when they did. 

"I'm just glad he's out with Dan, apart from last night he hasn't been out in ages." 

"Whatever happens, I'm sure things will turn out okay, just give it time." 

"I guess you're right, thanks Phil," he smiled. "Anyway, I guess I better get going, I need to run some errands and pick up a few things while I don't have to worry about Peej." 

"Alright, I'll talk to you later Chris," I showed him out and gave a wave as he walked to the lift. 

* * *

I heard the front door slam, awaking me from my slumber. 

"Phil?" 

"In here!" I saw the sun was starting to set, realising I must've slept after Chris left. Dan entered the room, the last of suns beams shining on his face. 

"Hello you," he came over and lay on top of me, kissing me gently. "What are you smiling at?" 

"You're just so beautiful Dan, I'm lucky to have you," he blushed but it was true, and what Chris said earlier reminded me of how much I had craved Dan before we were together and it made me appreciate him more. 

"I missed you," he mumbled, resting his head on my rest. 

"You weren't gone long!" 

"I know," I played with his hair for a few minutes then he got up off me and held out his hand. "I want to show you something." 

"Okay," I interlocked his fingers with mine then he waited for me to slip on some shoes and led me out of the apartment and to the lift and pressed the button that took us to the top floor. "Why are we going up?" I asked him confused.

"You'll see," he grinned. He pulled me along with him when the lift doors open and turned a corner and we reached a door which had the label 'rooftop' on a metal plaque. 

"Dan! We're not allowed up there!" I hissed but he just smiled back at me. 

"What they don't see won't hurt them. And anyway, people go up there all the time," the door opened without protest and we went up a thin staircase. Opening another door, we stepped out onto the breezy platform. Dan walked near to the edge and sat down and pointed out in front of us. "See? We're just in time for the sunset." 

"Wow," I breathed. Despite being in polluted London, it was beautiful. "Thank you for bringing me up here," I leant down and kissed him and he put his head on my shoulder. 

"I've wanted to for ages but I wanted it to be nice," I snaked an arm around his waist and smiled to myself. Everything was perfect. 

"I love you, Dan Howell." 

"I love you too, Phil Lester."