The girl behind her smile

- prologue -

You don't realise how precious tomorrow is. How special it is. How it is a blessing overlooked. You think it's guaranteed, when really there is only one thing in life that is promised.

Death.

The course of every living thing must come to an end, sooner or later. And when someone or something close to you has been lost to this promise, you realise; oh I should have spent more time with them.

I should have helped them more.

I should have told them I love them.

I regret the last thing I said.

I regret.

Regret.

The course of every living thing must come to an end. And I learnt that the hard way. I lost my dad to that promise, sooner rather than later.

The final rays of the sun retreat as the dark blue hue chases them away. A sensation of guilt and sadness wash over me, pushing tears out from behind my eyes. In momentary weakness, I allow a few drops to roll down, brushing them away as fast as they had appeared.

The same thoughts circle my mind, the familiar feeling of anguish boils within me.

If I had just chosen to walk home instead, I wouldn't be here, wallowing in self pity. No, I would be at home probably watching another one of those stupid soaps my dad loved.

It was so sudden, I didn't have the time to digest what had truly happened.

The days leading to the funeral were all the same, just a repeat of the previous. It was only at the funeral service, when our father was being lowered, that I became in touch with reality for a moment. Finally, understanding how real everything was.

We all handled his death quite awfully in our own ways.

Mum just zoned out most of the time, like she just flipped a switch on her emotions. She continued going to work like crazy, perhaps she thought busying herself with chores and tasks would take her mind off dad. Maybe she thought life would return to normal if she continued to pull in the opposite direction of her emotions. But like every high, there was a crash, and like most cases, this was not a gentle one.

Elijah would do nothing productive, like all the energy in him had just been drained. Staying in the same spot for hours on end, unless he absolutely had to do something, he would remain still. Just like how time had come to pause for us, and like some sick movie, right at the most horrifying moment. Being the oldest, he had the duty to care for the younger ones when mum was unable to. So he would make food, wash the dishes, and check up on us every now and then. But even in my state I was able to understand, he wasn't present mentally when he did those tasks, it was more out of responsibility. As the oldest, the burden of having to put up a front, and act as though everything will be fine was placed upon him.

I didn't cry, I wouldn't allow myself, all I could thing was how dad wouldn't want to see me upset. I locked myself in my room either sleeping or wishing I could wake up from this incubus, there was no end to it. It all felt like a horrible dream; a nightmare that was haunting me to no end.

Except it wasn't.

This endless cycle of disappointment had gone for two months to the point where I would be eating only once every three days. Giving myself energy was the last thing on my mind, it would bring me back into reality. I didn't want that.

I think a small part of me enjoyed the hunger, the physical pain was something I could deal with, I could point out where it was and why it was there. But soon, even that become something I eventually grew numb too. The feeling of hunger stopped bothering me, as my body grew accustom too the minimal amount of nutrition it was receiving.

I wasn't able to weep for myself, or my dead father.

Dead.

That word still felt bitter on my tounge.

I believe Ezra had it the worst however, after all, he had lost his role model, the person he looked up to the most. All because of my selfishness.

The first few weeks he seemed unusual, he wasn't talking, and when he did it was always out of anger and hatred. Later, he would come home late, intoxicated.

As the days went on, the intoxication had developed into bruises. They were everywhere, scattered all across his body.

I bring my hands to my face in anger, the wetness of my cheek staining the palms of my hands as I sniffed.

The overwhelming silence was broken with the sound of a twig snapping behind me. My heart stopped in fear as I slowly removed my hands, placing them on the ground to push myself off the floor.

The darkness was quite overpowering, with the city lights below being the only source of brightness. I squint and scan the area around me. My eyes freeze when I see  the shadow of a figure leaning against the great oak tree.

"I was hoping you wouldn't see me."

His low voice startled me, causing me to take a few steps back.

"Don't worry I'm not going to hurt you... I came here to be alone too."

Warily, my eyes drag themselves over his figure, which was now more visible as he had shifted to sit by the roots of a tree.

"Just pretend I'm not here."  

Silently agreeing to his words, I shuffle over to my left, creating more distance between us, and place myself on the ground once more.

My eyes zone into the city lights again, only this time I wasn't alone, I could hear the shallow intake of  his breath every couple of seconds, creating a rhythm.

It was comforting really. Even if I didn't know him, I wasn't alone.

-

We sat in that same comfortable silence for a long time before I glanced down at my phone, it was 1:29 AM. And no missed calls from anyone.

I doubt they even realised I was missing.

I stand up and brush the remaining grass off my jeans, forgetting for a moment that the stranger was still behind me. I let out a loud shout in anger and turn on my heels, freezing when the oak tree catches my eyes.

The stranger was no longer there.

I let out a sigh of release, my cheeks growing warm at the thought of him seeing me shout. Thank God he left before.

I slowly walk towards the tree where he was and glance down, noticing a piece of folded paper that was held in place by a stone. I hunch over to grab it, pushing the rock off gently to ensure it didn't rip.

'Everything works out in the end.'