The girl behind her smile

- epilogue -

My legs ache slightly as I place myself on the partially damp grass. My breathing evens, slowing down after the long trek from my house to the grave where my father and now mother laid.

"I don't know how I should deal with all of... This." I look down at the my fingers, which were weaved between each other, "Did you leave because you were tired? You were always working, at least you can rest now. You can sleep for a very long time, but when you wake up, I'll be there, to annoy you again. So don't get too exited and think you've gotten rid of me."

The wind picks up its pace slightly, the howls the gale carried, cried a long, deep note, holding itself for a few seconds before returning to silence once more.

"He left mum." I exhale a shaky breath, "He left me, and not one goodbye was exchanged."

My fingers draw circles on the grass beside me, "Isn't it strange how easy it is for us to get attached to someone in such a small time? I didn't even know him for a year, and yet, it feels like I've lost someone I've known my entire life, like this is the biggest betrayal I've ever had."

"We went from strangers to lovers, with no space to be friends," I let out a small laugh, "He wouldn't allow that, he said we could learn more about each other as lovers. And we did. I know what his favourite photo is. I know that he doesn't like pepper on pizza. I know he likes the mole on the centre of my neck."

I look down, "But I don't think it was enough, because he's not here anymore. He just woke up one day and decided it was time to return to America. And that's how we went from lovers to strangers again, except this time, we have a lifetime of memories that we shared."

"I'm sure I loved him though, I don't think I will quite find anyone like him."

If loss and grief have taught me anything it's this.

People lie when they say the opposite of love is hate. 

No, it's not. 

Because even in hate, there is something there, something to work on and improve. Hating means they still care, they care enough to feel something for you.

The opposite of love is leaving.

Because you wouldn't just leave someone you love.

Leaving someone simply means you are no longer there, there is nothing left of you to hold on to, nothing left to go back to. 

And knowing that three of the most important people in my life have left me stranded in this abyss of darkness, makes me feel as though I am not worth it. Worth any of it. This heartache, this pain, it's deeper than any loathing than the mind can conjure. This feeling of loneliness and desperation, it's like a black hole, it expands and destroys no matter what you feed and fill it, there is no end.

And perhaps one day, this hole will be large enough to take me with it. And maybe then, I will understand what there is to gain in leaving.

__ __ __

Hey guys,

I cannot believe this book is finally done! It's deadass taken me over a year of inconsistent writing to get here, and I appreciate all of the votes I have been getting. I do have a great announcement, that I am publishing a sequel! So please stay tuned, and until then make sure you all stay happy and healthy!

Elle xx