The girl behind her smile

- 17 -

ELIZA

It was dark when I arrived home. The feeling of an arising winter was starting to make itself more and more present. My teeth chatter as I take of my shoes, trying not to notice the wet clothes sticking to my skin. A sick reminder of how incapable I was of looking after the one thing I cherished. I walk past the entryway, almost reaching the stairs when Ezra interrupts my train of thoughts

"Have a fun date with Jasper?" Ezra greets me. The sarcasm and judgement was dripping off from every word and with it the stench of alcohol.

He was out drinking, getting wasted, on the one day I pleaded him to be here.

I sigh and turn to face him.

"Ezra, it's not wha-"

"Did you two take a nice dip in the pond? You're soaking wet. I can only image what you guys did together, alone."

I blink, too confused.

"I mean you guys did kiss each other in school, then have a cutesy date at the rink, and now all alone at the hill?."

He found out.

I mean was it a surprise? In the end all dirty secrets weasel their way out.

"Are you following me or something?" I ask confused.

"What, scared I'll find out your other secrets? You know I can't believe you stuck around him, after telling me all that bullshit about how I should stay away!" He scoffs, "Fucking hypocrite."

Any last string of hope had diminished within me, and suddenly the overwhelming feeling of fatigue washes over me. I thought being at home could take all my worries away, being in the presence of my family could somehow make me forget. But now, as I look into Ezra's eyes, all I see is a refection of my dad, the only person who could fix everything. And there is no replacement, not me, not Ezra, not Elijah and certainly not my mum. As much as I tried to push everything into tiniest nook in my mind, it was all bound to come back, triple its weight and ten times more detrimental.

I swallow, my mouth suddenly dry. I didn't have it in me to argue back, so instead I turn, and continue up the stairs.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

Don't cry.

"I knew you were a slut. I should have known earlier, all those times you doubted me, you had more faith in your fucking boyfriend than you did in your brother!" His angry claims resonate from the walls, and I freeze mid step.

He was drunk, I reminded myself.

Elijah had now emerged from his room, enraged, "Ezra! Watch your fucking mouth."

"Slut." I whisper.

Was this shocking?

The word tasted sour in my mouth. I've only kissed one guy, and it wasn't even a proper kiss. I wonder what it felt like for Ezra when those words came out if his mouth, was it worth it? Degrading his twin with one word, basing his claims on mere assumptions.

"At least I'm not a drug addict." I say just loud enough for him to hear.

Ezra takes in a sharp breath.

I could see Elijah glance at me from above, his eyes holding a sliver of sympathy as he watched me drag myself up the stairs, holding my tears back.

As soon as the door closes behind me, I let the tears free from its reigns My hands cover my mouth, blocking out the ugly noises escaping my lips. My chest starts to close in and the walls in my room became taller; towering me. Mocking me for thinking I could have lived normally. Each breath brings an agonising pain to my chest and, they grow shorter and faster. My eyes catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Messy hair, wet, shrivelled clothes, pale skin.