The girl behind her smile

- 8 -

ELIZA

I stand outside the bathroom waiting for Riya, I had tried to stop my tears from forming, my eyes were slightly bloodshot, and it was evident my face looked upset, I was a few moments away from a breakdown. Everything was returning, the guilt and insecurities I had tried to bury with a new school year, had all started to make themselves present in my mind.

All because Jasper thinks I am ugly.

Ugly

Ugly

Ugly.

It shouldn't affect me, especially because it comes from a guy who genuinely hates my brother, so any malice and hatred directed towards me is not really just because I am me - it's also because I am Ezra's sister, and nothing hurts you more than hurting your family. I should have expected nothing less from the guy who punched my face - although accidentally - and didn't once sound like he was apologetic.

But those words came from the guy who kissed me. And that's feels like it's different.

Maybe there was some truth in his words, I used to be the average girl who has zero experience of love outside of fiction, now I am an average girl with zero experience of love with a dead father - as if I wasn't pitiable enough. If was even a tiny bit datable back then, I am completely undatable now, who wants to date someone that comes with emotional baggage that weighs more than themselves?

"Eliza?" My head snaps up to the direction of the sound, and I see Zayn a few steps away from me.

"Are you ok?"

"Yeah! I'm fine." I reply, putting a small smile on my face, "I'm just waiting here for Riya."

-

"So we decided to just stay behind the bushes to see if we could find the person who sent it to me before we went to speak, but it ended up being my brother and Jasper." I explain to Zayn, as we eat our lunch.

"That's so weird," Zayn takes the final bite of his sandwich, "Have you considered the possibility that your brother might actually know more than he let on?"

I pause for a second, considering his words, "No. There's no way, he'd tell me, plus he's really bad at hiding things from me, I would find out very quickly if he knew something."

Zayn had decided to stay with us for lunch, and it seems like this could be a permanent fix, we all got along really well and because he's new, he hasn't made may friends yet. It was nice having him around as a friend, he was a breath of fresh air after all the negative I've had in the past few months.

The bell had rang, and it was time for everyone to scatter to their respective classes. Both Riya and Zayn had left after exchanging goodbyes, and I was alone in the common room with a few students here and there. I try to bring my attention to the sheet of maths homework in front of me, but my mind once again had started to grow cloudy with thoughts.

Maybe having company around was something I needed rather than wanted, it stopped my intrusive thoughts and I was happy - most of the time. I know I am not actually ugly, no matter how much I think so, I naturally would be critical of every minuscule detail on my face and body. But hearing those words from a a third party - a guy no less - affirms those small voices of doubt in my mind. I clench the pen in my hand, this was not the kind of progress I was expecting to see after returning school. I hoped that it would provide me a distraction, a sense of normality in my life, even if it was only for a couple of hours. Maybe I was digging myself into a grave of false hope, and now a few weeks in, those walls have started to break down on me.