The girl behind her smile

- 18 -

ELIZA

Grief is like a dead weight. No matter what you do, where you go or how you store it, it's there, right behind you and ready to swallow you when you trip. And this whole time I had been tiptoeing, being very careful to avoid its presence and trying not to think about it. 

You know, out of sight, out of mind. 

Except, that doesn't erase the fact that it's there. Waiting for me to crumble into its cold embrace.

I realise I had been in denial this whole time. I had not yet accepted, let alone moved on. It was hard believing something you couldn't choke down. It feels like I was watching a movie, one where I'm simply watching events unfold before me. I want to go back, I would give anything to rewind and restore. 

But I can't.

Because that's the thing about time, it's linear, just barreling forward. Time waits for no one.

Every time I close my eyes, all I can think about is the empty feeling in my heart, the pit that can't be filled. I had tried to drown myself in music, shows, work, but nothing fixes it. I tried avoiding it completely and look where it's lead me. 

It's moments like this I want to skip to a future where I'm over it, and this weight has been lifted from me. When I can go every day accepting what has happened, without feeling myself crumble slowly with a smile planted on my face. I keep imagining a life where I'm older and everything is healed and fine, but I don't know if I will be around to watch that play out and that's scary. 

All I want truly is my dad. 

I bury my face into the sheets, I don't know what time it is, and I do not care to know. I'm not sure how long I've lied here, but the bed has started to mould to my form once more. Elijah had come in a while ago asking if I wanted to go to school today, I think my silence gave him what he needs to know, and I thought he would leave, but instead he comes inside. He sits down a few spaces away from my head and strokes my shoulder.

"Do you want anything? You didn't eat anything last night either." His voice was just above a whisper when he asked.

I had shaken my head, I wasn't hungry. In fact I wasn't anything. I didn't have the urge or desire to do anything, I didn't feel anything except that longing wish to disappear.

"Ok, well we're both going to school, and mum's gone to work, if you need anything call me, alright?"

It was Monday. 

With that he kissed my forehead and stood up to leave. I heard him hover by the entry for a few seconds, but then the click of the door echoed in my room, indicating that he had left.

So there I laid, once again, alone in the midst of my empty room.

And the next few days rolled by like this, I had no energy, and nothing mattered. I hadn't talked to Ezra since that night two days ago, and I wasn't sure if he was avoiding me, but I didn't really care. All I thought about was dad, the memories we had and the promises we made. Other than that I was sleeping. I felt like the energy had been sucked right out of me, so sleeping was the only other way I could let time pass.

Nothing mattered anymore.

I wasn't sure what was wrong with me.

The days became hazy, and the hours raced past me. I went down every now and then for food, but only when I was sure no one was in the house. I would gather my courage, wrapping my duvet around me and walk slowly downstairs. Moving too much would only increase the headache pounding in my head. And when I would reach the fridge, I would contemplate if I should eat. I wasn't hungry, and even thinking about food made me want to hurl. But I know if I didn't, I would end up in hospital again, and I didn't want mum to worry about what was going on with me.