The girl behind her smile

- 11 -

ELIZA

Sometimes I'm scared I'll forget. Forget the three creases by the side of his eye. Forget how his ears moved up when he smiled. Forget how how he used to call my name.

Ellie.

You know, just forget everything.

And eventually I'll be holding onto figments of my imagination, the loose ends of those memories we shared. I'm scared I won't be able to tell apart what my mind has made up in my grief and what I really had with my dad. 

I like to keep my head empty, void of thoughts and reminders. And the darkness helped. The low light that seeps through my curtains allows me to only see outlines of the shapes in my room,  I don't have to look at anything and go through the agony of having to remember what stories they held.

The darkness helped.

It was warm, yet cold. It's smile was alluring yet it scared me. It was everything I needed, a constant yet an uncertainty.

I can laugh at the luck I posses with no watchful eyes, telling me I'm insane. I know I am.

 I can blame without feeling like I should feel guilt, even if most of that blame is directed towards myself.

I can forget the joys today had offered, and writhe in my own sorrow. Without ever shedding a tear. Not one.

The darkness in my room became my comfort.

-

I couldn't believe what was happening, my arms grew more tired with every pound, and my voice hoarse with every plea for help. No one had heard me. No one came to help me. And I found myself alone with darkness once again.

I glance down to my phone noticing the torch had turned off.

"No. No, please don't be dead." I plead quietly whilst aggressively trying to turn my phone on. Eventually, I stop and return to yelling in the silence.

I'm not sure how long I kept going, before I decided to give up. It became clear that no one was coming to help, so I had to wait. My knees give away, and I slide down to the frigid floor, and draw my knees to my chest. There was something knocking in my head, over and over and over again. With every bang came a ripple of pain, intensifying with every round. I reach for my bag, and dry swallow the last two painkillers that remained. Hoping, wishing, praying that someone will find me before I become a prey to my own mind in this abyss.

Even though I couldn't see much, the world around me started to blend, mixing whatever dull colours were visible to me. The meds were not doing their job - not fast enough at least. The roaring burn in my mind did not intensify, perhaps because it had reached its peak already, but it did not decrease either. Slowly, the breath I inhaled started to become useless, decreasing the volume of oxygen that was reaching my lungs. They progressively became short and laboured, making each breath I took louder with every draw. 

I was no longer aware of my surroundings, where I was, how I got here, how long I've been here, these questions had run laps around my head before it became all one mangled mess. Louder and louder they grew, asking me if anyone was going to come, if anyone was going to help me, if anyone even cared at all.

And amongst all of these taunting questions, only one certain answer was projected.

I want to leave.

I need to leave.

I move the hands that were gipping my hair, down to my ears.

My racing heart blocked out all the sounds around me - although it wouldn't have taken much effort to block this silence. Perhaps that was why I didn't notice the doors finally opening, nor the footsteps that approached me in a rushed manner. I could feel someone dragging my arms away from my ears, opening them up to the comfort of a deep voice.