The Me In Media

DUE BLUE⚘✾

He had a false stethoscope around his neck over a cute, white coat.

"Alright, girl. I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you've been diagnosed with a little something called pocrescophobia."

"Did you just make that up to annoy me?"

"Yes... And no. Pocrescophobia is simply an irrational fear of gaining weight. In a culture that idealizes thinness, weight gain is portrayed as a flaw. This can cause pocrescophobia, especially in those with a strong need for perfectionism."

"And... That's bad?"

"Of course. You're doing things to your body all because people don't give you likes online or approve of you, just because of some dumb comments from dumb people—"

"Which reminds me—I need to work on my hair next. It's looks like a bird's nest," I got down from my bed and walked to the mirror to scan my hair and in fact, my whole body. I looked so fat.  I looked so... Odd. :((

It seemed like I was going out of shape. "Or perhaps just shave it all off." I ran my hands through my hair pushed the whole thing forward to observe how I'd look with none. Next,  I scanned my hips and my back.

Remi sighed.

"You can't keep starving yourself."

"Oh, yes I can," I strode down to him and fixed his coat, "and you can do nothing about it because we are best friends and best friends support each other."

Scanning my body in the mirror had become a daily activity for me. I wanted to make sure I was fit and perfect enough for social media validation. I wondered why God didn't mould me to have a banging body too.

Slender would have been fine, thick and s*xy would have been fine... Just anything outside my own body.
( ⇀ ‸ ↼ )

The days grew darker and gloomy for me. I was constantly thinking, bothered about stuffs that I couldn't even place a finger on.

My joy was increasingly deflated each time I took a step into the virtual society but somehow, it felt like it was the only way to keep me going as I would rather stay online than offline, away from everything, each time I was sad. Thus I was addicted and at the same time, depressed.

I tried posting even what wasn't relevant or useful just to please people I thought weren't pleased enough.
A lot of popular people whom I admired and went out of my way to please and eventually text, they ignored my text. It was hurtful to see that a bunch of people were too busy to respond to texts. It made me feel unwanted.

Anxiety built a nice home in my heart as I contemplated on pictures to post. I kept asking myself questions such as if I'd be derided due to how I looked or how non-attractive I felt I was.
I wondered if I'd be secretly mocked or laughed at just as I also did to some people online.  ◤¬ ˒̫̮ ¬◥

I couldn't see them so what if they were actually laughing at me?

What exactly do they think of me?
How do I find out?

Am I safe? Am I shielded behind my phone?

What are they thinking? What do they think of me?

Am I approved?

What do those reactions really say?
Should I be very worried about that guy who placed an angry reaction on my post? Was I wrong? Do I need to take it down like every other post?

Should I take a peek into my recent video and watch it all over again? No. I'm too afraid of the aftermath.

How my gladness was suddenly crushed by a feeling of hopelessness each time I grabbed my phone was so new to me, and fascinating.