A place in this world - peace series spin off - ellianas story

panic and friend-zone

**tuesday September 20th – 2039**

-ellies pov- 

"Ellie come on, our coffees are ready downstairs" betty says just as I am on my way out of the bedroom. We lock the apartment door and head downstairs to get our coffees. "how was aurora last night? Was she okay?" she asks as we leave the building. 

"Yeah. Crush drama" I say but don't go too much into it. It's a sensitive subject and I don't specify the gender. Aurora is not ready to come out to everyone yet so hardly anyone knows. We tell her that she can come out when she is ready for it, but that the people that truly care about her will love her regardless of if she is attracted to men or women. 

"She is gorgeous and insanely talented. What person wouldn't fall for her" she says as we walk into the Starbucks. I see victor standing in line, but I avoid him and quickly grab my drink and carefully sneak out on the sidewalk again before betty saw me slip away. 

I don't know why I'm like this today, I'm just in a weird mood and don't want to deal with boys. Victors desire to win me and make out in front of Alex makes me feel weird, and Alex confuses me. He really broke me when we broke up, but I still love him, and I want him back so bad. But I can't just jump back to him, it's not fair on me after the year I've had. I'm not going to let go of whatever I have with victor before I know that Alex is for real this time, but I'm not going to wait around either. But on the other hand, I don't really get those sparks or butterflies with victor. He is an amazing person and I really like him, but I don't know if I want more than be friend. 

Open relationships are a bit complicated, but they have sort of both told me that they are only about me, I'm the only one that have something with both of them. I don't mind that, I get that they both want more. It did bug me to know that Alex has been with other girls, it makes me feel weird and I want that to be me. I don't like the thought of other girls touching him like used to do, but I know that we are broken up and I need to suck it up. 

Maybe that's why I let victor take me home and sleep together, that's normally not something I would do. Maybe I did it because I wanted to get one up on Alex, but I know that it made things more complicated. Why don't I think any of this before I do things? That will make things much easier for me if I just think before I act sometimes. 

"Ellie why did you run away?" betty says when she comes out and I shrug. "is it victor, did he do something?" she asks, and I shake my head. 

"Boys give me a headache" I say as we start to walk towards campus. "Wait boys? As in multiple? Who is the other guy. What haven't you been telling me Elliana Alwyn" she says and stops me. 

I've purposely decided to not tell betty about whatever I have going on with Alex, but at the same time we live together so it's hard to keep it a secret. "If I tell you I need you to not let this leave your lips, okay?" I say and she nods. "Me and Alex are talking again. I miss him so much it fucking hurts. And he wants another chance. So now I find myself in an open relationship with two boys that both want me and I'm going crazy and think I might end up with a stomach ulcer because of it" I go on a rant, and she stands there looking pretty shocked at what I'm saying. 

"Okay so I want to be supportive. But this just... Alex broke you. Have you forgotten how bad it was? Because I remember vividly. Everyone was so scared that this was something that was going to push you over the edge and really hurt yourself" she says, and I look down "I know. But that's not all on him. My mental health had been going down before but I just didn't tell anyone. Losing the boy, I love was sort of the last drop in a very full cup before it burst over" 

It really wasn't all alex's fault. My shattering mental health that leads to my eating disorder getting out of control again was not in any way his fault. I made the decision to use a bad coping mechanism to deal with my problems. I've learned in therapy to own the choice I made but find different ways to not go down that road again.