The Music In My Heart

Chapter 40

Carters pov

"The divorce has been final, there's speculating questions about pressing charges against your father," my mom pours me a glass of her favorite smoothie from one of the new blenders we went out and bought together earlier this morning.

"That's not my dad," I retorted.

It's getting bad the longer I'm going without playing piano. It's been a few weeks and I'm already talking back like this.

"Carter," my mom was surprised but worried.

"I know what he did... I was there, but Carter he helped raise you," she sounded like she was pleading.

"Mom?" I sounded impatient.

"Carter, tell me what's going on in that mind of yours..." her hand reaches for mine across the new counter top.

"Self conflict. My head is swarming. Memories before this and my agenda for the future. It's giving me a headache. I just don't want him near me- ever," I plainly said.

"An injunction is what you're seeking?" She lightened up a bit.

"What? Should I be hell bent on seeing him behind bars? As much of a relief that would be, I'd rather have a restraining order. Cheaper and efficiently effective. Just get him out of my life- I don't care. He betrayed me," I shrugged.

"Honey, what's this really about?" She places a hand on my shoulder.

"It's bothers me that I didn't know about your history with Eleanora. And dad seems to have the intent of never telling me. And on top of that, you seemed really devoted on me spending time with her, even pushing knowing that she wouldn't keep a secret from me because all I had to do was have the nerve to ask. Why? Why were you pushing so hard to act like you didn't know eachother?" I finally got the aching question out.

"Because... you didn't deserve to be put in the middle of burnt out drama. It was time for a clean slate- in my twisted way, me pushing for you to reconnect with my ex bestfriend was my way of her connecting with me. She's always been the best of me, not the other way around. Me and her always talked about kids back in the day and how we would be in awe of one another's.." her voice was soft spoken.

"She's not your ex best friend as far as this goes. You two are best friends. You two didn't even discuss about not telling me, you just went one way and she was running behind," I sighed.

"She was pushing me to tell you so she wouldn't feel so guilty around you. Even said that if you grew your suspicions and asked her a single question, she'd spill it all since it's her history involved in the timeline as well," she looked in my eyes.

"Sounds like her when she's headstrong about something," I considered.

"But you two made it impossible for me to be mad at, especially when it was addressed to me that I can't be mad one without being mad at the other- or when you divorced the man that did this to my arm all because I found out about the truth. That is not my father, my real father is out there elsewhere in the world," I snapped.

"I-

"It's driving me nuts. Who am I really? The more I sit alone in here. The more I have visits from Dr. Simmons. I find myself asking more questions than I give answers to when she checks in on me," I was growing restless.

"I know honey, I know.. you're real mom is out there too..." she looked hurt just saying those words.

"Exactly. My real mom and dad abandoned me before they could even name me. You have been here for me since. Why was I not good enough for them?" I was hyperventilating as my frustration consumed me.

"But sweetie, George was here along side as well," she sniffled.

"Don't humanize a man who does this to keep his secrets in the dark," I spat as I glared at my cast.

"He destroyed the one thing that's kept me afloat. The hell do I have now? Hell- do I start college now or wait until spring semester for enrollment? I can't even study my major because how am I supposed to play and instrument that's required to have ten fingers?! It's not like there's anything else for me to do since I'm stuck in this damn thing," I was so enraged.

My mom wasted no time into pulling me in a tight embrace and I fell apart crying in her arms..

"I can't bring myself to hate him over a few errors compared to the dozens he's done for me. Why? I'm suppose to hate him, what's wrong with me?" I sobbed.

"That's the thing about love sweetie," she kissed the side of my head.

"Does he not love me enough to share the truth?" I winced.

"I really think that's something for you and him to sit down and talk about. Filing the divorce wasn't that hard you know, he cooperated through and through... Carter, honey, I really think you should pick a day for you and him to talk things out.." she slowly loosens her grip.

"Eleanora cooked pasta from scratch last night," i muffled into her shoulder making her laugh.

"That is completely random," she giggled.

"I know. But I'd rather mention something positive before I just lose myself," I was staring at the sun's reflection on the kitchen counter.

"You won't lose yourself," my mom wiped my tears.

"I already lost the biggest part of myself, I turned my back to look at the weighted keyboard in the living room..

"I think you're finding yourself," my mom turned my chin.

"Take away the music, who are you? I think it's time we go through a journey to meet you.. I know, I sound crazy because even I know how much music means to you. But all in all, music found you before you found yourself, Carter. I think it's time you find out who exactly you are. So yes, enroll for spring semester in January. Core classes only please, no music just yet not until you've healed. I think we need to spend the next few months rebuilding your true self. You're right you know, we need to find out who you are without piano. You're not just Carter Cammery New York's finest. You're Carter Cammery, my only daughter and whatever else that comes into mind.." my mom kisses my cheek making me smile..

"I see Simmons later this week. I'll talk to her about seeing dad- George," I quickly corrected myself.

"Carter, just know that people forget who they are when fear comes into play," my mom reasoned.

"I think wrong. People become their truest self when fear is in play, you either do all that you can and go head on or hide away... i would know. It's like I'm fighting for my life every time music gets competitive- as if there's no tomorrow," I stared at my cast but not in a resentful way.

Just out of curiosity of trying to understand why he did what he did..