Fits Like Ass On Bucket || Rindou x Reader

21 • lungo

You wake up a couple hours later with a sore back and a stiff neck, feeling like shit, extremely hungry and completely drained of energy.

The realization finally kicks in. The bothers are in prison, Kakuchou is apparently in the hospital and Izana died. You weren't close with Izana, but there was some kind of constant banter going on between you two, bringing you closer than strangers but not close enough to be friends. Kakuchou too. He always was there when Izana annoyed you and his kind hearted personality sparked up your life in a way a couple thugs never could. You always thought that Kakuchou was too nice to be in a gang. You plan on visiting him too. If you remember the name of the hospital that the police officer gave you.

With more effort than you wish to need, you get off the floor. Your bones crack in multiple places and your neck aches from the way you stretch it out. A heavy feeling settles in your chest as you walk through the empty and quiet apartment. No TV running, no music playing and no snores erupting from Ran's room. Your face scrunches up, ready to cry again but you hold them back. Your eyes already hurt enough.

The kitchen is spotless when you enter, exactly as you left it, and you quickly get to work to make yourself a simple meal. Just because the brothers aren't here doesn't mean you can stop eating. The hunger is basically killing you already.

You make one of the many instant Ramen packs, deciding to chop some additional veggies for it. With a knife in hand you start with spring onions, cutting them into thin circles. Your vision blurs at the edge of your peripheral and the knife suddenly looks a little red. The world turns gray and you get a vision of cutting yourself straight across the palm of your hand, painting the food red.

When your vision ends you let go of the knife, letting it fall onto the cutting board while staring daggers at it.

'Don't you dare!'

You hear Ran's voice echoing in your ears. Your eyes sting and your chest aches, a terrible feeling spreading through your entire body. A familiar feeling. The feeling of dread and sorrow. The same feeling you felt before killing yourself every time in the future. There's an acidic taste in your mouth and before you know it you swallow the vomit that rises in your throat, refusing to get it onto the newly cleaned floor.

Crying you bend down, breathing rapidly while staring at the floor. "I can't do this." You mutter those words over and over, hoping for Rindou to magical appear next to you for comfort. There's just no way you're going to make it until they're being released.

'Don't kill yourself! Don't you dare!'

Ran's voice sounds louder this time, as if you're back in that room, listening to him scream them at you. Ran sounded genuinely upset and concerned when he said them. Even a little angry. Though you're not surprised, you did just tell him that you're going to end your life. He looked so hurt when you said it too.

"Rin. . ."

All of a sudden Rindou comes to your mind. He didn't want to see you. He refused to even. How would he have reacted to your words? Would he have been angry? Sad? Disappointed? Somehow it hurts you more thinking about his possible reaction than the fact he didn't want to see you. You couldn't possibly do that to him. He loves you. And you love him too. If you were to die and leave him behind like his parents once did he'll never forget it.

"I'm sorry."

You apologize to no one, as you're alone, but you hope that Rindou knows. You want him to know that you're sorry for always being so. . .dependant. You told him in the past that you wouldn't be able to continue living without him, that you wouldn't be here without him. You realize now that saying that was kind of selfish. Rindou must have worried for you as well. Worried about you kicking the bucket, worried about not being enough.

You call out his name again before wiping your tears and calming your breathing. Standing up you lean against the counter, collecting your thoughts before making a decision.

You have to continue living, not for yourself, for Rindou. You'll live for him until you find a reason for yourself. Well, Rindou is your reason to keep going but you want to find something that isn't a person.

• ~ ~ ~ •

You got ready later that day to go to the hospital. Everything is better than staying in that dead silent apartment that keeps reminding you of the brothers.

At the reception you asked for Kakuchou and got his room number so you walked up to it before hesitating. The door is right in front of you, yet you seem to struggle to open it. You take a couple deep breaths before willing yourself to touch the handle but your fingers loosely hang off the metal, you don't have the strength.

"I will see you later Kakuchan!"

The door suddenly opens and a blond haired boy with bright blue eyes almost bumps into you. He gasps before apologizing. You wave him off and he quickly makes his escape, leaving you standing in the entrance of the room.

"[F/N]?"

Seems like Kakuchou already saw you. With another deep breath you step inside, closing the door behind you. Kakuchou looks miserable and almost guilty by the way he averts your eyes. "I wanted to check up on you. How are you?" He shrugs "I survived a bullet wound. I guess I'm fine." You walk over to sit by his bedside.

"How you are feeling is way more important."

Taken aback by his words you try to play it off by chuckling "What? No, I'm fine." He obviously isn't buying it as his mismatched dead eyes stare at you. You take a couple second but soon enough you can't help but break under his gaze. "Ok I'm not fine. They're gone Kakuchou. They're going to prison and I'm gonna be all alone. I don't know what to do with myself!" Holding your head in your hands you lean forward.

Kakuchou places a hand on your head "It's gonna be fine. You're strong. I believe that you'll make it even without the brothers." Sighing you sit back up. "It's not about strength. Rindou and Ran were the only reason I'm still here, kicking and breathing, Kakuchou." It takes him a while to understand what you're implying but once he got it his face drops. He looks concerned, similar to Ran's expression it's a mix of many emotions.

Kakuchou looks like he wants to say something but you interrupt, kind of knowing what his next question is going to sound like. "Don't worry. I don't plan on doing anything. Ran would have my head in hell." You try to lift the mood but the room goes quiet quickly. "Sorry." Kakuchou sighs "Please don't. Rindou would definitely follow your lead once he's out. That guy is so in love with you." Your eyes widen and your face drops. Rindou would kill himself for you? A big part of you denies Kakuchou's statement but the little part about you that doesn't begins to panic. There's nothing you want less in life than seeing Rind injured, yet dead. Even more of a reason not to commit.

• ~ ~ ~ •

Once back at home and ready to head to bed your body can't seem to fall asleep despite being beyond exhausted. You toss and turn in the sheets, missing Rindou's presence next to you. So you sit up and rummage through the nightstand, knowing that Rindou has trouble to fall asleep sometimes, therefor keeping sleeping medication in his drawer.

You take two before laying back down, closing your eyes and waiting for the drug to take effect.

You're out not long after, dreaming for the first time in weeks.