clementine // joshler

3

josh's point of view

as soon as i get home friday afternoon, i call hayley.

"hey, j! one week down, only three thousand to go. how do you feel?"

"i feel great! it was perfect. everything went smoothly," i tell her from my couch, a smile lingering on my face. "i was actually calling to ask if you'd like to celebrate."

"i am always down for a celebration, my dear joshua. dinner?"

"i'll pick you up in forty-five?"

"perfect."

-

"you've never been here?" hayley unbuckles her seatbelt when i pull into a parking spot.

"nah. i'm only ever on this side of town to see you." i shrug and get out of the car.

we walk inside and the first thing i see is one of my students, standing behind the register.

oh my god.

i walk up to the counter with hayley and the boy stares at us with wide eyes that make a funny feeling stir in my chest.

"mr. dun?" he looks at me like he definitely wasn't expecting to see me here either, his voice quiet.

"tyler, hi." i offer a small smile that hopefully doesn't look as weird as i feel.

"uh, hey." he clears his throat and then looks to hayley. "hi. what can i get you guys?"

we both order and tyler gives me our receipt and a table number. we take our cups from the stack next to him and head to the drink fountain on the other side of the room.

"so, mr. dun, is that one of your kiddos? it's like you're a celebrity getting recognized in public." she giggles a little and fills her cup with dr. pepper.

"shut up. he's in my senior class," i tell her, filling up my own drink with clammy palms.

"look at you blushing! it's only awkward if you make it awkward," she says, still smiling as she leads us to a booth in the back.

"i just wasn't anticipating it. i don't know how i'm supposed to act in this scenario. i was hoping i could put it off for at least a few weeks." i sigh, moving my straw around in my cup and watching the ice move instead of looking at her.

"it's fine, josh. don't even worry about it." she pauses for a second and then adds, "but if he's the one that brings us our food, you should probably leave a big tip."

"i guess."

we sit and talk while we wait for our order and tyler is indeed the one who brings it to us.

"anything else i can get for you guys?" he gives us a tight smile and avoids making eye contact. i don't blame him.

"i think we're all set, thank you," i reply.

he nods and then walks away without saying anything else, leaving hayley and i alone again.

the food is actually really good and hayley and i end up having a nice time. we talk about my work, about the summer internship she just finished with, how she's feeling about grad school, and then...

"so, how are you with... the other stuff?" she asks, slightly hesitant.

oh.

"not great," i answer honestly, my voice quiet. "i found a pair of her shoes under my bed yesterday and sat on the floor crying for like twenty minutes."

just like that, my mood has deflated.

"josh..."

"i know. i know. it's just hard right now. i'm like an open wound over here. i'm sorry." i look down at my plate, my food only half eaten. i'm not hungry anymore.

"it's normal to be upset, josh. she doesn't deserve you, okay? she never deserved you. you're great and she sucks. this will pass too. you'll be alright." she takes one of my hands in hers and squeezes it gently. "i'm here for you in the meantime. you've got your dream job and a great best friend, what more do you need anyway?"

"no, you're right, i just... it was four years of my life. i guess i wasn't good enough. i wasn't enough for her," i speak so quietly i'm surprised she can hear me, but she does.

"that's on her, j. you could've been absolutely perfect and at the end of the day she still would've chosen to leave. that was her decision. i dont think it has anything to do with you," she says.

i wish i could believe it. i might some day, hopefully soon enough, but for now, the words are hollow.

"yeah. thanks, hayley." i clear my throat and look back up at her. "are you ready to get going?"

"yeah, okay. thank you for paying. i'll get it next time."

"don't worry about it." i take my wallet out and leave a tip on the table.

when we get back out to my car, i turn on the radio and we drive back to her place without saying anything else. i pull up to the door of her apartment and she turns to give me a small smile.

"i love you, josh. you'll get through this, okay? i promise. goodnight." she unbuckles her seatbelt and gets out of the car.

"love you too, h. night." i watch until she's safely inside her home before leaving, turning the radio back up a bit.

i know she's right, that i will get through this and things will get better. it's just hard to see right now.

i make the drive back to my own apartment and go in, locking the door behind me but not bothering to turn any lights on until i get to the bathroom. i opt to take a shower before lying down to scroll on my phone for a bit.

once i'm clean and in the comfort of my bed, i look through the fifty tiktoks hayley has somehow had the time to send me throughout the day.

i love her, but contrary to what my parents always wanted, i'd never have a relationship with her. even if she wasn't a lesbian, i'd still feel weird dating her. we've known each other too long, she feels more like a sibling to me.

they never liked debby though. the first time they met her, my mother called me after and told me she was a 'tramp' and that i could do better.

when i told them we broke up, that she decided to finish school out of state and didn't tell me until a week before leaving, they were glad. dad told me that maybe i could find a 'real woman' now.

i try not to think about it anymore and eventually, i fall into dreamless sleep.

(an: hello, this chapter isnt the best but the story does get better (imo)! we just have to do some setup these first few bits to build things 💪🏻)