clementine // joshler

9

josh's point of view

when tyler leaves, i lean back in my seat, taking a deep breath. i'm not sure why this boy leaves me feeling so strange, like the film certain foods leave in your mouth or the smell of cologne that lingers on old jackets.

i'm glad i wasn't the only one who seemed nervous. his eyes were wide and avoided contact with mine for the most part. he spoke quietly too, his voice so gentle like he was choosing each word carefully. i do my best to shake it off. i opt to pick up my phone then, using it as a distraction for the remainder of the lunch period.

the bell rings and i shove my phone back into my pocket, watching as my students begin to walk in. as always, tyler and emily are first. he glances my direction and then back to emily as they take their seats. she whispers something to him and his cheeks flush red. i bite my tongue and look away.

a couple of girls walk in, giggling and staring at me with no shame and taking their seats at the front. i can hear what they're saying just barely and it makes my stomach turn. i look back to tyler again instead, the blush still taking residency in his cheeks even though he seems to be doing something on his phone now.

i hear the second bell ring and tell everyone to start journal time.

i can't help but continue to watch him, my eyes lingering on his face. he looks tired. he writes quickly, seemingly with too many thoughts to spill onto the pages. he's the only one who takes it seriously. the rest of his classmates are lazy in their movements and some of them aren't writing at all but drawing instead, pencils moving back and forth to shade some drawings i don't care to interrupt.

when the time has passed, i tell everyone to put their journals away. tyler is the last to do so, scrawling down a few last thoughts before sliding the object back into his bag.

"alright, let's discuss the chapter for today, yeah? who wants to go first? any opening thoughts?"

i listen to a few students share and i wish i could hear tyler's thoughts on the reading, but he doesn't speak once throughout the class.

i don't understand why i can't get him out of my mind and all of a sudden i feel like i'm going to throw up.

-

on the way home, the weird feeling in the pit of my stomach resurfaces as i think over today's events.

when i get all my stuff put down, i change into more comfortable clothes and then start preparing to cook dinner for myself. i decide to call hayley while i do so. she picks up on the second ring.

"hellooooo?"

"hey, hayley. how's your day been?"

i put a pot of water on the stove to boil and then begin to chop up the piece of chicken that i'd left out to thaw before leaving for work.

"it's been pretty good. i had a pop quiz in class but i think i aced it," she tells me, smile evident in her voice.

"thats awesome, im proud of you. what're you up to now? am i bothering you?"

"if i said you were, would it matter?"

"no, not really."

she laughs, "that's what i thought. you're not bothering me though, no worries. i'm just hanging at home. taylor is showering. we're about to go eat. she's on her period and craving a cheeseburger apparently. wanna join?"

"i'm alright. i'm in the process of making dinner for myself actually."

"nerd," she pauses and then adds, "speaking of, how was school?"

"it was... weird. tyler, the one from the restaurant, i had to meet with him."

"what about that is weird? did he do something?"

"no, no, no. nothing like that. it was just odd, i dunno. we talked about the book i assigned the class and his opinions on it were really... insightful, i guess. he picked up on a few things i didn't even pick up on until probably my second read.

"it was nice to talk to someone who really interacted with it and had real thoughts. another student in his class just said he thought the character's mom was annoying..."

hayley laughs again. "well, maybe she's really annoying."

"you know that is not the point of what i'm saying."

"i know, i know. i just think you're overreacting. it's only weird if you make it weird. to me, it just sounds like he actually did his homework and is a smart guy that you had a nice conversation with. it's not that serious."

"you think?"

"yes, josh. if you have doubts though, i can ask him. i see him almost every time i go eat there, he seems to work a lot. i'm sure he'll be there tonight too."

"god, no. leave him alone." i shake my head even though she can't see it. i know she was kidding, but i can't deny that my chest tightened at the idea of her bringing any of this up to him.

"i know, i'm just messing you. relax. what's his last name? i want to look him up and stalk his insta."

"hayley, no."

"why not? please? it won't even affect you! it's not like i'd actually follow him!"

"that's even weirder than me just overthinking three seconds of eye contact and a conversation. you can't internet stalk my students."

"well, i don't see why not. i also don't see why you're so stuck on this, j."

"me neither."

"taylor's out of the shower now so i have to go. you can text me if you need me, but i promise it'll be alright, bud."

"thank you, h. i'll talk to you later. have fun."

"will do."

i hang up and put my phone back into the pocket of my hoodie. my stomach is wringing itself into knots and the chicken in the pan in front of me is no longer appetizing. i finish making the meal regardless and dump it all into a plastic tupperware container before abandoning it in the fridge.

i take a deep breath and run a hand through my hair, falling onto my couch. i stare at the ceiling and surrender to my brain. the thoughts i'd been trying my best to corral run rampant, so fast i can hardly make them out.

i close my eyes, and let the feeling run its course.

(an: awkward spot to end but this is sort of the beginning! he doesnt want to think about whatever is drawing him to tyler long enough to figure it out. he's too busy pushing it away, which obviously makes for a messy brain. hope you enjoyed this somewhat filler chapter :) )