tyler's point of view
"i'm just glad we don't have the same lunch. i think if i had to see him again, i would probably die of humiliation."
"really? i would've thought you were a humiliation kink kinda guy," sydney remarks, moving her mashed potatoes around with her fork.
"jesus christ." i bury my face in my hands.
"ty, it's not that bad. i'm proud of you for standing up for yourself." emily pats my back a few times and then adds, "better than wasting your time, you know?"
"yeah, it's fine. it'll be fine. i'm not really upset or anything. we're about to finish school and i'll meet plenty of people in college. i can focus on just finishing high school and stuff for now."
"ty, if you can't put aside school and work in high-school, what makes you think you will in college?"
"syd, don't give him a hard time," emily scolds her quietly and shakes her head. "we just want you to be happy, ty-guy."
"i'm not trying to be mean. college is different than high-school though. if you don't at least try to cut yourself some slack now, you're just gonna work yourself to death by forty. there's nothing wrong with working hard or not getting married and stuff, but i know that's not what you want," sydney explains herself, a genuine sincerity in her eyes and tone.
i know she means well, but it still stings to hear out loud.
"i know, i know. you guys just... you don't understand. being queer makes things different. having the childhood i had makes things different. it isn't that simple for me. i can't just put my whole life down that way. i'm trying, but i can't. i'm sorry if that's disappointing for you."
i didn't mean to snap the way i did and i feel bad for it, but i'm glad i got some frustration out at least. i'm glad my face is still covered, too, as i feel tears burn behind my eyes. i'm doing my best to hold them back, but i feel my palms grow wet as they fall.
"tyler," sydney begins, quietly, cautiously. "i'm sorry, ty. i really didn't mean it like that..."
"do you wanna go sit in the hall for a minute, t?" emily suggests when i don't speak.
"i guess." i wipe my face and stand from the table."
"fuck, i'm sorry, i-"
"no, it's okay. i'm not mad at you, syd. it's just a lot to think about, you know? i've been feeling really weird and anxious lately. thinking more about the future with school ending soon. and you're right. i don't want to be alone forever, i spent my entire childhood that way. old habits die hard i guess."
sydney nods and looks down at her food as emily walks me to the hall outside the cafeteria.
it's quieter with just the two of us there and i wipe the tears that fell without my notice.
"you know syd didn't mean to hurt your feelings, right?" emily asks softly.
"i know. this semester is just stressing me out because i know it's the last one. the holidays are coming up and god, the stuff we're doing in chemistry is so hard and mr. wembley reminds me a little too much of my dad. it's all... i dont know," i begin to ramble a little but stop myself when i hear a door open across the hall.
mr. dun steps out of the teacher's lounge with a stack of papers i assume he just copied.
shit.
he stops in front of us when he realizes we're sitting here. of course he does.
"tyler? emily? is everything okay..?"
this is so embarrassing.
i look up at him and put on a small smile that i know isn't convincing at all. i nod. "yeah, i'm just having my quarter life crisis is all."
emily says nothing but i can see her in my peripheral, looking back and forth between me and mr. dun.
"is there anything i can do? do you guys want to come sit in my room until class instead of the floor? i have tissues and stuff," he offers.
i would be lying if i said i wasn't grateful for the offer. the tile is uncomfortable and even if it wasn't, being around him is a nice distraction. his classroom really is a safe space.
"only if i can have a pack of those fruit snacks."
josh laughs a little and holds his hand out to help me up before replying, "you can have as many as you want."
he turns to emily next and helps her up as well. he tells her he has other snacks if she'd like anything but she shakes her head.
"i'm okay. tyler can have them all," she says, following along and sitting next to me when we get to his room.
mr. dun sits at his desk, the stack of papers in front of him. he looks at me with a more serious expression on his face. "are you sure there's nothing i can do? do you want to talk about anything?"
"i think i'm okay for now, mr. dun. thank you."
"of course."
(an: short chapter and it ends in a kinda weird spot [classic margo] bc im kinda going through some personal stuff, sorry! next one should be longer :)
dedicated to ayden.)
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clementine // joshler
Fanfiction"i don't need anyone. i just need everyone and then some." - in which tyler is a senior in high-school who's been living on his own for two years and josh is a teacher fresh out of college who's just gotten out of a four-year relationship. - #1 in t...
