clementine // joshler

70

tyler's point of view

"so, tomorrow is your last monday of high-school, huh? how are you feeling?"

"i dunno. i'm kinda nervous, i guess," i look up from my plate to see hayley already looking at me with her head tilted.

"what? why?"

"it's just a big step, you know? it means i'll be starting college soon, which is an even bigger step."

she scoffs a little and shakes her head, "tyler, from what i know about you, which isn't as much as i'd like, seeing as i am very nosy, you have been grown since you were a baby. graduating high-school and going to college may feel like big steps, but you've already made so many other big steps.

"you were emancipated. you work full-time and have kept straight a's your whole life. you were moved up to a manager in two years, you're a great friend, and you're in a serious relationship. you have your own car and your own place. you pay your own bills. there are twenty-five-year-olds i know that can't even say that.

"you have done all of your life out of order and i am astonished by you. college will be like nothing. i promise. you will do incredible things with your life, tyler joseph."

by the end of her speech, i feel tears burn behind my eyes and i do my best to keep them at bay, offering her a small smile, "a bit heavy for brunch, maybe, but thank you. that means a lot to me."

"of course, ty."

"well,  just so i don't bawl my eyes out, let's get down to business. your proposal."

-

the week goes by so quickly my head spins, and before i know it, i'm cheering for sydney as she accepts her diploma, emily waiting to receive hers a few rows ahead of me. my turn is not long after and i feel my clammy hands shake as i take the certificate from the principle and shake her hand.

my phone buzzes twice from in my pocket when i get back to my seat, my mind fuzzy from everything happening at once. i take it out as discreetly as possible, keeping it low in my lap as the ceremony continues, too dazed to process just yet.

j: i am so proud of you, baby.

hayley: YAYAYYYY TYLERRRR WOOO GO TYLER GO TYLER CONGRATULATIONS I AM GONNA GIVE U SUCH A BIG HUG

i smile to myself and type out short replies to each of them.

but even when the speeches are over and we move our tassels to the other side, it doesn't hit me. it doesn't happen when we throw our caps in the air. it doesn't happen until i see emily and sydney talking to josh, taylor, and hayley, when i'm engulfed in a hug by all of my favorite people at the same time.

i did it.

my tears fall relentlessly then, all of them at once.

we pull away eventually and there's dozens of pictures taken with bright smiles and watery eyes.

i talk to both emily and sydney's families for awhile too. there's more hugs and more pictures but i don't feel as sad as i thought i would.

there's no room for it.

eventually, the crowd starts drifting and i end up walking to the parking lot with hayley, taylor, and josh. as soon as we get to where they parked, we stand in-between their two cars to regroup.

"alright. taylor and i rode together obviously. tyler, i figured you and josh would ride together to the restaurant. of course, both of you are welcome to leave your cars and ride with us, i just assumed you'd want to have a minute with each other," hayley explains.

"that sounds good. we'll see you guys there. i parked on the other side but josh can bring me back to get it later."

she smiles wider then, pulling me into a tight hug, "alright. i needed one more," she pulls away again to punch my shoulder lightly, "see you soon."

hayley and taylor take their leave after that and josh opens the car door for me. there's sort of an unspoken agreement that the parking lot probably isn't the best place for us to make our public debut, so he doesn't even say anything until we're both already in the car.

"i want to kiss you so bad," he looks at me like i'm the sun for a moment and only looks away when he has to put the car in reverse.

i feel my cheeks sting with an all too familiar blush, "you can wait until we make it to the restaurant, can't you? it's only a thirty minute drive."

"i don't know. i think i might pass out if i have to wait that long," he glances over at me, still smiling, and puts one hand on my thigh as he drives.

"you dork," i shake my head, but when he stops at a red-light, i lean over to give him one short kiss.

"i love you so much," is his only reply.

"i love you so much back."

"how are you feeling?"

i think about it for a second. i think about everything that's happened in the past year, everything that could happen in the year ahead. i thought there would be some sort of grieving that came with all of this, but there's none.

instead, there's love, and happiness, and hope.

"good. really, really good."

-

at the restaurant, as we wait for our food, hayley talks about some class she wants to take next semester, taylor is smiling at her, and josh has an arm around my shoulders.

i was worried i would miss my family today, that i would miss my parents. but this is family too. sydney, emily, hayley, taylor, josh. they're my family.

i spent so long hiding inside myself, in work and school, not allowing anything or anyone new in out of fear. i spent so long only letting myself live at half capacity.

and now, i'm about to go to college. i have amazing friends, i have a boyfriend that loves me as much as i love him.

i feel so grateful for all of my experiences, good and bad, that brought me here.

just this year, i've come so far and i couldn't have done it without them.

so maybe i don't really need anyone, i just need everyone... and then some.

the end.

(an: final note coming after the epilogue!)