clementine // joshler

15

tyler's point of view

when i wake up monday, i'm covered in sweat and my heart is racing.

this happens sometimes. i wake up with anxiety looming above me and no desire to get out of bed ever again.

i wish i could stay home and rest, sleep it off and go back to school tomorrow. unfortunately, i can't. the idea of missing school or work again makes me even more anxious and i bring my hands up to cover my face, sighing deeply.

i make myself get up to start the day, whether i like it or not.

i put off leaving my apartment until the last minute, getting to school in just enough time to make it to my first class without being tardy.

i sit through my first class in silence, hardly looking up from my desk. then, i walk through the halls with my head down, counting my breaths and trying to ignore how many people are around me and why they're all speaking so loudly.

the cycle repeats until it's time for lunch. i stand outside the cafeteria, my hands gripping the straps of my backpack tightly. it's so loud in there. so. many. people.

i decide after a few seconds of standing there to turn around and walk away. the only place i can think to go is mr. dun's room. as awkward as i feel knocking on the door, the relief i know that will come with the quiet is incentive enough to do it anyway.

he opens it after just a few seconds, wearing glasses i've never seen on him before. "hey, tyler, is everything okay?"

"well, i, um... would it be okay if i sat in here until class?"

he steps back to open the door wide enough for me to step in. "absolutely."

i walk in and i linger by his desk, not wanting to sit down just yet. as soon as the door closes, i exhale. i feel so much better already. awkward, maybe, but safe.

"sorry to bother you. i've just been anxious all day and the cafeteria is loud. figured i would try to avoid the panic attack, you know?"

he sits back down at his desk, but still leaves his full attention on me. "i do. no worries. you're not bothering me at all. you're welcome any time."

i feel myself blushing and break the eye contact to look down at the floor. "thank you. i appreciate it."

"no need to thank me." he offers me a comforting smile. "i'm just grading a few things anyway."

"right." i nod and then walk to my seat in the back of the room.

i try not to stare at him, but it's quite difficult. the glasses look nice on him. his hair is messier today. i wonder if he woke up late and didn't have time to fix it or find his contacts.

i bring the heels of my hands to my eyes and take a deep breath. less general anxiety, definitely. less gay panic? maybe not.

i pull out a book to pass the time, but i can't really focus on the words in front of me. not that it matters, because after a couple minutes, mr. dun speaks again.

"did you not bring anything for lunch?"

"oh. no, i forgot to grab anything at home and i didn't think i could handle going through the line if i'm being honest."

he points to a cabinet across from me. "there's some snacks and water bottles in there if you're hungry."

did he stock a cabinet for students by himself? surely if they were for him they'd be in his desk, which means he spent his own money just to have things on hand for anyone who needed it. i may be overthinking it just a bit, but it's the fact that he cares that i'm still not used to.