clementine // joshler

10

tyler's point of view

"so, tyler."

"so, sydney." i turn to look at emily to address her too, so she doesn't get left out, "and emily."

"i know someone who likes youuu." sydney smiles, tossing one of her goldfish crackers at me. "wanna know who it is?"

"no, i wanna know why you're always throwing your food at me." i pick up the goldfish and toss it back to her. "i don't care who it is, i'm not gonna say yes."

"come on! you need to be young, live a little! go out with him, even if it's just once," she encourages.

"i don't know." i shrug a little, uncomfortable with the subject.

she's tried to set me up with people before, but the few times i've given in, i never got past the talking stage. i'm just too busy and there's hardly anyone in this school worth the time anyway. still, i can't help but be curious. it's always nice to know someone likes you, right?

"well, i do know, which is why i already gave him your number."

emily shrugs. "i think you should. one date doesn't mean you owe him anything."

"i'll think about it but i'm not making any promises."

-

when i get to mr. dun's class, i decide to use our journal time to write through my thoughts about what happened at lunch.

i feel like i should start these with 'dear diary,' but i think that's probably stupid. i also feel like i'm the only one even writing about real stuff here. maybe i shouldn't care so much. i guess i just like having an outlet that i'm forced to use.

anyway, dear journal, i've been faced with a new issue. sydney wants to set me up with someone, some guy named theo. i think we might've had a class together last year, but i've never talked to him.

i'm not sure what to do about it. he already has my number so i guess there's no point in worrying until he texts me, if he even decides to. i am kind of upset that sydney just gave it to him without my permission though. too late now.

when journal time ends, mr. dun stands and comes to the front of the class to lecture. i do my best to focus on what he's saying, his voice like mahogany and bergamot, smooth and rich.

my mind still manages to wander.

i wonder if i'll meet someone in college, if my future partner will see me reading his favorite book in the library and strike up a conversation. or maybe in a coffee shop during finals season, someone with espresso eyes that will match my drink will stand behind me in line and offer to pay for my order. or maybe i won't meet anyone until i get my post-college job. maybe someone nice will show me around the workplace and ask me to dinner.

my thoughts take a bit of a turn then, suddenly cynical and louder than usual.

what if i never meet anyone and i die alone? if i think i don't have time for a relationship now, if i'm already pushing away any possibility of a boyfriend in high school, how would i ever hold down a healthy relationship in college or working full time at an even more demanding job?

i don't want to end up like my father, strung out and depressed, alone on a couch that reeks of spilled beer. i can't. i've worked so hard, put in so much effort to be nothing like my parents.

i know sydney is right, that i need to let go a little and let people in, that i have to start somewhere. i've kept myself locked up for so long that i'm not sure i know how to shed the armor anymore. i've never had a chance to because the trauma i never asked for, the things i had no say in, have kept me in survival mode for eighteen years.

suddenly my chest is tight. this is probably the most inconvenient time to have a panic attack, but alas, anxiety waits for no one. i feel my cheeks go red and my eyes burn with tears and god, this is embarrassing.

i take a deep breath and raise my hand.

"yes, tyler?" mr. dun calls on me, a worried expression across his stupid, perfect face when he sees that i'm obviously upset.

"can i, um, use the restroom, please?"

"of course, go ahead."

i try my best to not bolt out of my seat and run, to look normal and draw as little attention to myself as possible.

as soon as the door is closed behind me, i feel the dam break and tears begin to stream down my face. i hurry to the bathroom and luckily, no one else seems to be in it.

i brace myself against the sink and try to take deep breaths, to think about something, anything else.

i'm able to calm down after a few minutes and splash some cold water on my face before heading back.

i stop just outside the classroom and take another deep breath. i knock on the door and wait for mr. dun to open it.

when he does, he steps out into the hall and leaves the door cracked just a bit, "hey, are you alright?"

i feel my heart clench in a new way now at his concern. "yeah, i'm fine. thank you." i pause to clear my throat. "and i'm sorry for interrupting class or whatever."

"no need to apologize. we're reading right now but i don't expect you to be able to focus on that. just leave your book open on your desk and take it easy for the rest of the period, okay?" he speaks so softly, in volume and tone. earl gray tea and a nice, warm sweater.

"thank you, mr. dun."

he just nods and we go back into his room. he closes the door behind us and goes back to his desk while i go to mine.

(an: a weird place to end maybe but oh well. ive never been great at ending chapters sjdjej)