Kiss of Sunset

Kabanata 15

Kabanata 15: Realization

Shocked by reality, the silent road made me feel alone tonight. Walking down the street with a blade in my heart and a tears in my eyes. This is too much to handle. I am not prepared. It was too sudden. This is heavier than I thought it could be. This is... fuck.

I am swallowing all my words before. But, why does it hurt so much? It pains me more than Rich died in my arms. I couldn't understand why this is happening to me. Dahil ba ito sa kapayabaan ko? But, fuck, this is not my choice. I didn't choose to be hurt like hell.

I didn't choose to feel this way... because if I do, I will not let myself feel the loneliness in my head, looking for the feeling that will ease the painful reality.

"Damn you," I mentally laugh. "I hate that you made me feel this way. I hate that..." I stopped walking because I felt some raindrops in my head. "I hate that... I like you." I smiled bitterly, hiding the burning emotions inside me.

Tang ina! Sa ganitong paraan ko pa talaga aaminin sa sarili ko na gusto na kita, kung kailan alam kong wala ng pag-asa.

Maybe, I was too hard to myself. I was too hard to even feel the freedom to like someone else rather than the one I loved before. I'm so stupid that I didn't see her and only focused to my goal. I don't even have any concrete plans about that agreement.

This is my fault. Kung ano ang nararanasan ko ngayon, 'yon ay kasalanan ko. Masyado akong naging makasarili. Masyado akong binulag ng pagmamahal na akala ko ay magtatagal.

"Can I go back and never took a chance?" I whispered. "Baka sakaling matanggap ko pa kung anong mangyayari kung hindi ako napunta rito."

Crying in the rain, the breeze made me sick. Untold feelings stabbed me deeper than what I've seen earlier. My thoughts are poisonous. Once that it affects my whole system, I know I'm done. Fuck it!

I shouted. I released my pain through shouting. I want the universe hears the scream of hell. I want this sorrow unleash from my deadly emotions. I want my heart to speak for me. I want the destiny hears the scream of a young lady breaking from her own punishment.

I want to hear them how much I like her.

My thoughts didn't let me sleep the whole night. I was too exhausted that even Elysha pushed me to go to school. I was a total walking zombie. Some students were glancing at me every time I walked pass to them.

"Hey! Ohh... you okay, Kyrie?" Cassie's energetic voice turned opposite when she saw me sitting lifelessly. "Wala pa si Shai and there's still time for you to take some nap. I can see that you're exhausted. Babantayan kita." She smiled afterwards.

"Cassie,"

"Shhh. Gigisingin na lang kita kapag magsisimula na ang klase." Mahinahong sambit nito kaya napatango na lang ako. "It's alright to feel that. But, don't let yourself stuck in a darkness of pain. Don't let yourself suffer from a very long period of time. You don't deserve that."

I let a deep sigh and mouthed 'thank you'. Tumango lang ito sa akin. Iniyuko ko na ang ulo ko sa lamesa para makakuha pa ng kahit kaunting tulog. Nagising na lang ako dahil sa lakas ng pagbati mga kaklase ko.

"Ms. Akerson, good morning," rinig kong bati niya sa akin.

I don't want to be rude besides Professor ko pa rin siya. I stood up lazily and greeted her back, not reciprocating her energy. Pinaupo rin kami agad. Binalik ko ang dating emosyon sa katawan ko. Nakinig lang kaming lahat hanggang sa matapos ang klase.

"Akerson, office," hindi ko na pinansin ang sinabi niya bago siya umalis.

"Do you mind—"

"Shai," suway naman ni Cassie kay Shai. "You don't need to ask. If she's comfortable to speak of what is happening, she will. For now, maybe we will give her space."