Second Time Around

38. Possibilities Part I

"You're up early," Lan Zhan mused upon waking to not having Wei Ying cuddled in his embrace.

"Is it considered being up early if you never went to sleep?" Wei Ying laughed, slightly nervously.

"Why?"

Wei Ying fiddled with his robe for a while before asking, "Does it really bother you that I don't have a Core anymore? Aside from you wishing I hadn't done it, of course."

Of course it bothers me. Mostly because Wei Ying deliberately destroyed a part of himself to aid someone who would never fully appreciate exactly how much it cost. The lingering fear of becoming an immortal and losing the one he loved.... "Mmmm." It was a non committal answer.

"I've spent the night thinking 'what if'. What if I decided to stay dead. Everyone I loved was dead; there was no point in returning if I was just going to end up killing everyone again. It hurt so much to watch ShiJie die. I didn't kill her; I'm the reason she died. She was trying to talk to me," a sob slipped out. "She should have let me die. Jin Ling needed her. I wasn't needed by anyone."

"Not true."

Wei Ying wiped the inconvenient tear away. "Lan Zhan," he laughed a bit hysterically. "You were there, but not the you of now. The you of then? You showed me indifference on the best of days. I honestly thought you hated me even as I wished we were best friends."

"Never hated you."

"I know that now.

Lan Zhan sat up and rested his head against his husband's shoulder, "Very glad Wei Ying chose to come back. Wish you came back to before you gave up your Core. Found a different path. To have you without a Core or to lose you? I choose you. Always."

Wei Ying leaned against his love. "What do you think you did after? In that other time? Did you marry? Have children? Did you follow me?"

"Suicide?" Lan Zhan shook his head slowly. "I would have lived. And waited for you to return."

"Return?" Wei Ying laughed lightly. "Reborn?"

"Maybe? You love far too much to want to stay dead."

"Even when everyone I loved was dead?"

"Jiang WanYin lived. Jin Ling lived. I would like to think Wen Yuan lived; I hope my brother would not allow the murder of a three year old. That's three people you loved still alive. How many reasons would you have needed?"

"I never even met A'Ling in that life. I saw him once, but no more than that. How can you say I loved someone I never met?" Wei Ying smiled at his love.

"Jin Ling is your shijie's son. Of course you loved him from the moment you knew that he existed."

Wei Ying sighed. "Jiang Cheng hated me at the end. If I had returned, he would have tried to kill me all over again."

"Agreed. Because he didn't know the truth." Lan Zhan pressed a lingering kiss to a shoulder. "How much pain and suffering in that time could have been avoided by telling the truth?"

"You're one to preach honesty," Wei Ying scoffed. "How long did it take for you to confess?"

Lan Zhan shrugged and mmmed. "Learned my lesson." Sitting like this was not as comfortable as he'd like. So he hauled Wei Ying's unresisting body into his lap. Better. One hand cupped his love's face. "Should have told you when we were students in Cloud Recesses that we could be friends. Should have told you how much you meant to me in the XuanWu's cave."

Wei Ying turned his head in the embrace to lightly kiss the palm. "I don't think it would have made a difference then. I was so sick, I hardly remember any of it. I remember asking if you liked MianMian. I remember you biting me. I remember you singing to me. I remember being upset you wouldn't let me use your lap as a pillow."