A Court of Death || ACOTAR

9

"You can travel between realms," Helion muttered, awe in his voice. "Tell me about Death. What's he like?" Helion paused, a glimmer of amusement in his eyes as he added on, "is he handsome and single?"

"He's very kind," Astryn replied, forcing a smile.

Helion observed her for a moment before concluding, "I suppose he had something to do with why you left the Night Court?"

"Not exactly," Astryn muttered, any attempts at appearing pleasant now gone. Her forced smile was replaced with the exhaustion she really felt. "It was...I went to visit him because I felt his distress, and Azriel wasn't happy about it because Death...he expressed a certain interest in me when we first met but he has accepted that we're only friends and is happy with that but Azriel doesn't believe it. We argued and things just...I don't know. It feels so silly looking back and seeing how it spiraled. I should have just kept my mouth shut."

Any traces of amusement faded from Helion's face at that.

"Don't ever think you have to keep your mouth shut with anyone," he told her, "most especially not your mate. He, more than anyone, should know to respect you and your wishes. You shouldn't ever have to hide your feelings for his comfort."

"Things would still be okay if I had...I don't know. If I had just stayed quiet. Things would be okay if I hadn't argued with him," she muttered, a frown on her face.

"Were you happy with him? Ever?" Helion questioned gently.

"At first," she said with a quiet sigh, "I was happy with him at first. But everything changed after I died. This past year has been so suffocating. Not just with him but with Rhysand and...everyone. I haven't been able to go anywhere without at least one of them for a year. The longer it went on the more I felt like I was just letting myself become a prisoner all over again."

Astryn paused before adding on, "they aren't bad. None of them. I don't want it to sound like I think they're terrible or anything like that but...it hurt. None of them trusted me, not even my own mate. They all think I'm too weak to control myself."

"Do you plan to return to them?" Helion inquired, adding on quickly, "there's no rush. You're welcome here as long as you need, even if that's forever."

"I'll go back eventually," she told him, "I don't know when. I'm not ready to face what going back so easily means about me."

"It means you love them," he said, "and that's not a weakness."

"They don't respect me. None of them. Loving him even knowing that feels like a weakness."

Helion was about to respond, but they both decided to cut the conversation short when they felt a familiar presence, followed by a knock.

"Do you want me to tell him to go away?" Helion offered quietly.

"It's okay," she mumbled, "I'll deal with it."

Astryn made her way through Helion's home to the front door. She paused briefly, knowing he could sense her right on the other side of the door but trying to pretend that wasn't true. She took a breath and then opened the door, keeping her expression carefully neutral as she came face to face with Cassian.

Cassian didn't bother trying to feign indifference the way she did. His pain and guilt showed clearly enough on his face that a part of her just wanted to pretend she wasn't hurt anymore. She wouldn't let herself yield though, not as she looked at him and remembered how many times he had told her he thought she was strong. Remembered how crushed she was when she realized he didn't really believe that at all.

"Are you here to see Helion?" Astryn asked, her tone controlled so carefully.

"I'm here to see you," Cassian said, his voice slightly shaky.

"You wasted your time then," she replied, straightening up her posture as much as she could. She felt small and she hated herself for it.

"Ryn, I...I'm sorry," Cassian apologized, so much pain in his voice, "I'm sorry for lying to you. You deserved the truth. We should have been honest with you."

A part of her wanted to just accept the apology. A part of her wanted to take that apology as enough to fix everything. But she couldn't. Not when just looking at him hurt.

"You should have," she agreed, unable to hide the hurt now. She hated herself even more for it. "Did you ever...all those times you told me I was strong, did you ever believe that at all?"

"You are the strongest person I've ever known," he told her, his voice unsteady. "I didn't...I didn't not tell you because I thought you couldn't handle it. I just...I was selfish. I didn't tell you because I didn't think I could take seeing you hurt again. You've been through so much and I never once thought you couldn't handle knowing. I just couldn't handle telling you. I was the one who wasn't strong, Astryn. Not you. Never you."

Astryn let out a shaking breath and paused. She wouldn't allow herself to cry.

"I don't trust you," she mumbled, and Cassian visibly flinched.

"Look into my mind," he offered—begged. "Go into my head and you won't have to trust me. You can see the truth for yourself. Please."

"It doesn't matter," Astryn told him, "even if you're telling the truth about why you lied, I'm not going back. I'm so tired of constantly being watched, Cassian. I was told I was free, but is being followed by one of you everywhere I go really being free? It's not much better than being locked away in a cave."

"If you need to go out alone, I will make it happen. I'll tell them for you. I'll get everything fixed and then come back to bring you home. I'll fix everything for you."

"Don't bother," she dismissed quietly, "I'll go back eventually. I'm just...not ready to see them again. Especially not him. He said he didn't tell me for a year to protect me but he used it against me the moment he got the chance to. That's not what you do to someone you love."

"He does love you. He made a mistake, but he does love you," Cassian assured her, "if you go there and what he has to say doesn't change things, I won't try to stop you from leaving again but just give him—give all of us a chance. I know we messed up but  please give us a chance to make it up to you."

Astryn was quiet for a moment before finally responding, "if they tried to make me stay, would you let them?"

"Never," he promised, "they wouldn't—they wouldn't ever try to force you to stay, but if they did, I would never allow it."

"I'll go," she finally agreed, and Cassian ached at the pain in her voice as she added, "but I don't promise that I'll stay."