A Court of Death || ACOTAR

53

Astryn left her cabin and found Rhys lingering outside. She paused, raising her eyebrows at him.

"I was going to knock," he explained, shifting awkwardly, "I was just...working up the nerve, I guess."

"Did you not say everything you needed to say last night?" she asked, keeping her distance from him.

"No, I didn't," he confirmed before taking in a deep breath. "I'm sorry—"

"We already established that that's not enough," she cut in, chin raised.

"I wasn't done," he said softly—nervously. "I'm sorry. I didn't...Under the Mountain, Feyre died. She was human then. But the bond was starting to form and I knew what she was to me and I felt her die. And that bond that had only existed for...just a blink in time...when it was gone, I wanted to die with her. The High Lords brought her back as one of us, and the bond came back so I can't claim to fully understand what I took from you but I know...feeling that hollowness...I'm sorry, Astryn. I'm so sorry. For that and for so many other things."

She only stared at him, like she couldn't believe he had just said any of that.

"I'm sorry for putting you through that," he continued, "and I'm sorry for lying to you, for...trapping you. I was so wrong for all of it. I should have trusted you. I should have believed in you. And when I saw the way Az was being, when he started getting too jealous, too controlling, I should have been your brother. I should have called him out on it. I should have told him it wasn't okay—I should have told you it wasn't okay for him to be that way. And I am so godsdamn sorry I didn't. Even if you can never forgive me, I need you to know, I am so sorry, Astryn. You deserved a better brother. I'm sorry I wasn't that."

She blinked a few times, her expression full of confusion.

"Thank you," she said finally, "I appreciate that."

"What can I do?" he asked with a hint of desperation. "I want to show you I'll be better."

"Rhys..." she trailed off, watching him for a long few seconds. "I don't know, honestly."

"Will you give me the chance to try? So we can figure it out?" he asked. "Please." She didn't respond. "Please," he repeated once more. "I am begging you, Astryn, please give me a chance to make this right."

"Why now?" she questioned, head tilted.

"Because I'm a coward," he answered honestly, "I'm a coward, and I couldn't face what I'd done. I couldn't face all the hurt I had caused. I'm a coward, but I'm trying not to be because you deserve better from me."

"Nothing that happened between us is an easy fix," she mumbled, and he nodded. "I hate that you have a mate. I have this...empty space in me where the bond was. Even after I left him, the bond meant something. And now it's gone. But you get to have a mate. I hate it."

"I know I don't deserve a mate. Especially not her," he murmured, "I know that. And she may never want the bond with me anyway, but even then I still don't deserve it. You deserved it far more than I ever did."

"Be someone who lives up to what she deserves," Astryn replied shakily, "be a good enough person for her. Don't waste it."

"I won't," he told her, "I promise."