A Court of Death || ACOTAR

21

"You're holding out hope for something that's never going to happen," Cassian told Azriel, slipping into the booth the group had claimed for the night at Rita's. Everyone but Azriel had gotten up to dance. Cassian had danced for a while before returning, determined to make Azriel have some fun. "Come dance, Az. No amount of sitting there staring at the door is going to make her walk through it."

Her. It was sort of an unspoken rule that no one said Astryn's name anymore. She had been gone for a little over a decade, and Cassian couldn't remember the last time he heard anyone say her name.

"I don't want to dance," Azriel dismissed, sounding entirely disconnected. "It's fine. Go have fun with everyone."

"How long is it going to be like this? You can stop punishing yourself now," Cassian urged, "it's been over ten years."

Azriel only shrugged. He was well aware of how much time had gone by. Time and distance had given him room to reflect on everything he did wrong, on his first mistake and every mistake after that right up until the moment he sat back and watched his mate walk out on him. He didn't know how he didn't realize back then how horrible he had become. But there was no undoing it. He had the chance for change and apologies and he threw it away. Now he had to live with the result.

"She's not coming back, Azriel. Ever. You and I both know she moved on," Cassian reminded him, and Azriel nearly flinched. He could still feel her through the bond sometimes. Cassian was the only person he told about that weeklong period three years ago when he wished he couldn't feel her, couldn't put together exactly what was going on wherever she was. She certainly had moved on. It was good. She deserved to move on. But he didn't want to know. "You can do that too. You're...I mean, you're single. You made mistakes, sure, you fucked up really bad, but that doesn't mean you have to be celibate and alone forever."

"She's still my mate," Azriel murmured, "it doesn't matter. I may never see her again but my loyalty is still to her."

Cassian stared at him for a moment, and then he spoke, "it was Helion. He's the one she hooked up with. I did a little fly over her place and I saw him."

"What am I supposed to do with that information?" Azriel asked dryly. "It doesn't matter who she fucked. I said she has my loyalty, not that I have any claim on hers. I lost that and it's my own fault. I have no right to be bitter. She can fuck whoever she wants. Helion is...he's a good person. If it had to be anyone."

"He's our friend," Cassian shot back, "don't you care about that?"

"He hasn't been our friend in the way he used to be since she went to him after I told her the secret we were all keeping from her. Things changed then. He still cares, but that changed things. He doesn't think we're as good as he used to."

Cassian stared at him for another few seconds before letting out a frustrated sigh.

"You have to move on eventually, Az. She's never coming back. She's never forgiving you or Rhys or any of us. Any life we might've had with her in it is gone."

With that, Cassian left Azriel on his own to wallow.

Azriel sat and drank and tried not to picture her with Helion. She deserved to move on, but some part of Azriel really, really hoped it was just sex. He could cope with just sex more easily. If it was more than that, all he could do was hope he wouldn't ever have to know. Or that he would have more time before he had to know. Maybe another decade would make it easier.

Maybe a in century or two he could move on too.