A Court of Death || ACOTAR

44

Cassian woke up to the sound of screaming. Astryn screaming. He scrambled up off the floor and ran to Astryn's room. She was thrashing around wildly, fighting off some invisible monster.

"Ryn," he urged gently, "wake up. You're having a nightmare, wake up."

She screamed more loudly fiercely as her eyes snapped open.

"Get off," she yelled at no one, "get off of me! Get off!"

"Astryn, come on, you're safe," he spoke as calmly as he could, keeping his distance from her, "no one is touching you. You're safe."

She went still and then, all at once, any hints of emotion vanished.

"Are you okay?" Cassian asked after a few moments. He didn't expect an answer. He saw the shift in her, she had retreated into herself.

"I don't know why I didn't just die," she mumbled, staring up at the ceiling. Her tone was emotionless. "I could have just died. I had a way out. I don't know why I didn't take it."

"Because you wanted to live," Cassian responded carefully.

"I had a way out."

Cassian opened his mouth and then closed it again, trying to figure out what to say.

"You survived," he finally told her, "you chose not to take that way out because you wanted to live."

She didn't reply to that.

Cassian lingered in the room, quiet and patient.

"I fought it," she broke the silence after a while, her voice still devoid of emotion, "for a long time. I fought it. And then one day I couldn't fight anymore."

"It's not your fault," he assured her, "I don't know what all they did to you but it's not your fault."

"There was this one guard...every day, he strung me up in a cell and he tortured me," she said, "every day. I could have dealt with that. That was fine. It was the clawing at my mind. Constantly."

"It's not your fault," he repeated, "it's not your fault. None of it. What they put you through...that's on them, not you."

"I hate this."

"I know."

They were quiet after that. Cassian wasn't sure if the moment of lucidity had passed or if Astryn was coming back, but he didn't want to push her to talk any more right now. She was at a limit and he knew it.

Whether this was just a moment or it stuck, it was progress at least. And progress was enough.

They both fell back asleep eventually, Astryn in bed and Cassian on the floor in her room instead of where he had slept before.

She had nightmares again, but she didn't wake up screaming.

Leaving Cassian sleeping on her bedroom floor, she went through the motions of all her daily tasks. It was still mostly automatic, but she was slightly more aware of what she was doing.

Cassian joined her eventually, having slept in later than usual.

"How are you feeling?" he asked carefully. She opened her mouth and then closed it again as the words died in her throat. She only gave a shrug. "Me too." He paused. "Have you had breakfast? I can make something for us." She nodded, and he didn't know which part she was nodding to but he started getting ready to cook instead.

He made breakfast and they ate, mostly silent until Cassian started talking near the end.

"I was going to make pancakes," he said with a little smile, "I don't even know if they're still your favorite, but they used to be so I was going to make those for you but I couldn't do it without laughing."

She nodded, and he wasn't sure if she remembered what he was referring to or not.

"I like being here," he told her, "with you. I missed you a lot. I know you said all that time ago that we couldn't keep being friends because of everyone else but, honestly, I think that's bullshit. I won't take it again."

"Okay," she said with a nod.

"Okay?" he repeated, earning another nod from her. "Okay." He smiled, and she didn't smile back but she did nod again. It was enough for now. "Can I make dinner today too? I looked at that meat. Found a couple cuts that would make great steaks. I think those with some carrots with thyme and rosemary. I'm not as much of a chef as you are but I think I could manage." She nodded, and he smiled even wider.

Cassian and Astryn completed all the usual tasks throughout the day, Cassian making a point to try to take most of the chores so she had to work less. He knew she wouldn't just sit back and relax, so he tried to do as much as he could to limit her work.

He made dinner and handled the clean-up and Astryn watched him as he did.

"You can take the bed," she offered suddenly, "you don't fit on the sofa. Your wings. And you're too tall. I didn't think about it before. I fit on the sofa."

"I'm not taking your bed, Ryn," he dismissed. She tried and failed to smile.

"You are," she insisted, "I fit on the sofa. You don't."

"You're not going to budge on this, are you?" he concluded, and she nodded. "Just tonight. I'll argue about it with you tomorrow."

And she almost smiled.