A Court of Death || ACOTAR

42

The cabin only had one room, so Cassian settles Astryn in bed and then squeezed himself onto the small sofa that night. He gave up on finding any comfortable way to rest on the sofa and laid out on the floor instead, wings stretched out.

Astryn woke first in the morning. She was hardly aware of her own movements, her body following some schedule that she had grown used to in this place. The place seemed unfamiliar enough that she wasn't sure why her body seemed to know it.

She bathed, dressed, and then wandered outside with a little bucket of supplies and a basket. She tended to the little vegetable garden, hardly aware of her own movements. It was systematic, a process her body knew.

"Ryn?" a voice she had grown familiar with asked, approaching her cautiously. She didn't look up at him or acknowledge him, her focus on her task. "Ryn," he repeated, "are you...are you...back?"

She continued her gardening, paying him no attention. He kept talking, and she ignored him. After a few failed attempts at getting her to talk, he knelt beside her and joined her in her gardening.

He helped pick the ripe vegetables, placing the in her basket. She sent a cursory glance his way and then refocused on her own tasks, leaving him to pick the vegetables as she pulled weeds.

He carried the vegetables in for her and she cleaned them. She stored some of them and put a few others in little clothe bags that she carried them out to the door. He watched, lips parting in surprising when she opened the door and there was an animal carcass. He didn't know how he hadn't heard whoever left it. She left the bags of vegetables and brought in the animal. He offered to help but she skinned the animal and butchered it on her own.

When she finished, she put most of the meat on ice and kept two pieces. Cassian watched her cook, gathering some herbs from her garden to flavor the meat. She cooked some vegetables too, and once it was all ready she got two plates. After setting a serving on each, she took them both to the table and ate her own food.

"Is that for me?" Cassian asked, nodding towards the plate of food. Astryn only nodded, but it was as much of a response as he had gotten from her all day. He ate, sneaking looks at her as he did. "You cooked for Az once. When you accepted the mate bond with him, you made him a pancake. From what he told me, this is far better than that pancake was. You've become a good cook."

She didn't respond or acknowledge that. Cassian was undeterred.

"He did teach you to cook," he carried on, "you made pasta. Some other things too but pasta and pancakes were your favorite of all the things you learned. I never got to taste anything you made before. Az said you learned fast and became a good cook and I believed him because you were always a pretty fast learner. You commit to things. Like when you decided you wanted to train with me. You showed up every morning and you never complained and you practiced on your own too because you wanted to be perfect. And like when you decided to leave. You committed to that. For four whole centuries. There were so many times I wanted to talk to you, to tell you things but...I knew you had committed to being away from all of us and I hated the thought of showing up at your door and you telling me to leave."

He paused, but she didn't say anything or react so he kept talking.

"You know, for a while, a part of me kind of hated Azriel and Rhys," he told her, "Azriel did everything wrong that he possibly could. Your friend, Death, he told us there actually...originally, apparently, there was no future where you left Az. He fucked up enough that he created a whole new future. And Rhys...he failed you. As a brother. And I sometimes think I failed all three of you as a friend. I didn't call Rhys and Az on their bullshit behavior, I didn't tell you the truth about a lot of things and I didn't tell you when I knew you were going to end up leaving him long before you did it. A lot of things went wrong. We did a lot of things wrong."

She stilled for a moment and just looked at him, like something had actually stuck. There was a flicker of recognition in her eyes, and then it was gone and she went back to eating. Cassian let out a sad laugh.

"I guess it makes sense that it would be the bad memories that started to get through to you," he muttered before speaking more clearly, "most of the memories are probably bad, looking back. I mean, there was a lot of good, but it was soured by the fact that we lied to you for a whole year and then Az through that lie back in your face to hurt you during an argument. I'll never forget the way you looked at me after you found out. You looked so betrayed, so hurt. And I hated that I did that to you. I still hate it. You left. Then you came back and I just...I knew you weren't going to end up staying. Az was no good for you back then. Rhys was still stifling. Mor never really trusted you and Amren...she cared but she cared from a distance. And, in such a shitty environment, one good friend was never going to be enough. You leaving—it hurt, but I was proud of you for doing it. I still hope that you can come back one day and things will be better. Az has...I think he's better now. Rhys is...that's still complicated. I think, before, he could have been doing better. But he's doing bad right now. He's going to need some time to recover from what he went through too, and I don't think you recovering together would end well for either of you."

She went still, not looking at him but not entirely ignoring him.

"I know you went to that place to try to save Rhys," he said, "I'm sorry none of us could try to save you for so long."