A Court of Death || ACOTAR

23

Azriel woke with a quiet groan, his entire body feeling stiff and sore. One wing hung over the edge of the bed and the other was pinned beneath a body. Another wing was partially over his bare chest, stretched out across the bed.

In the middle of the bed, pinning down his wing and blanketed beneath another Illyrian wing, he could make out nothing but pointed ears and a head of long, messy brown hair. On the other side of the bed was Cassian, one wing stretched across the group and the other hanging over onto the floor. Azriel took another look at the female sandwiched between him and Cassian. His guess was she was probably as naked underneath Cass's wing as the two of them were.

Last night was a little bit of a blur. The two hundred and fifty third anniversary of Astryn leaving. Cassian had convinced him to go to Rita's with him. They drank. A lot. Too much, if the female in bed with them was any indication. Whose bed was this anyway?

Azriel groaned again and closed his eyes for a few moments before opening them again, hoping the scene in front of him would be different. It wasn't. Everything was the same. Stretched out wings and naked bodies in a strangers room.

"Fuck," he murmured before carefully moving the sleeping female so he could free his wing. He slipped free and eased her back down. He found his clothes thrown about the room. He looked back towards the bed when he heard movement and saw Cassian sitting up now.

"Morning, sunshine," Cassian quipped, watching Azriel pull his clothes back on. "You're in a rush. Got somewhere to be?"

"Not here," Azriel snapped quietly, "anywhere but here."

"Nothing happened last night," Cassian said after a moment, "we all got naked and then you changed your mind in a stunning moment of sobriety."

"And you two...?" Azriel trailed off, eyebrows raised.

"I was more worried about you than about getting my dick wet," Cassian scoffed, rolling his eyes. "And she's a sweet girl. Didn't give a shit about plans changing. After you passed out we sat up and drank for a while and swapped stories about a bunch of bullshit."

"I can't believe I even came here," Azriel muttered, shaking his head before he finished getting dressed. "I've gotta go. I'll see you later, Cass."

Azriel started walking away only for Cassian to stop him.

"It doesn't have to be like this," he told him gently, "you've got every right to move on. She moved on already too. You don't have to stay loyal to her. She's not coming back."

Azriel remained still for a moment before he left. Cassian signed and shook his head, knowing he would never get through to him. Astryn moved on, and she deserved that peace. Azriel would never let himself have it.

Azriel went back to the townhouse and hid himself away in his room. His and Astryn's room once. It had stopped smelling like her decades ago.

He spent the rest of the day there, punishing himself for what he almost did. Astryn...she had every right to move on and be with anyone else. It wasn't her fault that things between them broke. She got to move on because what happened wasn't on her. He didn't think he had that same right. He was the one who broke them.

"Azriel," Rhys's voice cut through the silence of the room. Azriel hadn't even noticed him come in. "Cass told me about last night."

"Can't imagine why he would do that," Azriel muttered, "it's not your business."

"I try not to think about her," Rhys confessed quietly, "I try not to think about her. I try not to think about how I failed her and how if I had a little more faith in her I wouldn't have insisted we all lie to her and how terrible of a brother I turned out to be. But I know all you do is think about her, how you failed and how you lied."

"You should stick to your day job," Azriel scoffed, "you're a terrible motivational speaker."

"It's the coward's way out, and I know you're no coward, but not thinking about her helps, Az," Rhys said, paying no mind to Azriel trying to end this conversation, "this is no way to live. You still deserve to have a life too. You've already spent over two hundred years punishing yourself for what you did. What we all did. She's not coming back. She's not going to come back and see you've done your penance and decide we can be a happy family again. Don't forget what you learned from this mess but...try not to let it become all you are. She's not coming home."

"I have nothing else worth thinking about," Azriel dismissed, "whether she's here or not, she's still my mate."

"Are you still her mate?" Rhys shot back. "I mean, technically, yes, but, as far as she's concerned? No, you're not."

"I know that," he snapped, "I know. It doesn't matter. I accept that she's not ever coming back. That doesn't mean I have to want anyone else. My life is how it's supposed to be. This is all I want. There's no one else for me. I don't want anyone else. I'd rather sit around pining like a fool than be with anyone other than her."

"So, your life is just over then," Rhys concluded, "no happiness? Just because you don't think you deserve to move on?"

"It's not about deserving anything," he argued stubbornly, "I know what I deserve. I don't think I shouldn't ever be happy. There's no one I want to be with, and no one who will make me happy. I know why I'm not happy. It's not because I'm alone. And it's not your problem."

"You can't go on like this forever," Rhys said after a moment of tense silence, "just try."